Polyamory: do I start mono and open up or do I start poly?

KinkindeRelatie Polyamorie of nietQuestion:
Should we start with a monogamous relationship before we open our relationship or should we start poly?

There are 2 levels of answering to this question
# Answer 1 (theoretical):
All over all it does not make much difference.
A – If you are feeling that you really are poly (and most likely have some experiences in that direction) you should be able -in an ideal situation- to be exactly who you are in order to be loved by our partner(s)… So you should be able to live your poly also (and do remember tho to talk about what “poly” means to you ’cause that can differ a lot from person to person). But hen, I am not too fond of “should-ing” so let’s not give the idea that this is “the only way”. There’ll be no cats out of the bag and if you both love each other that way: love each other a lot!

B – If you are attracted by the idea of poly but if you are in a monogamous relation, apparently that idea was not so clear to you when you started that relationship. So then: talk about that idea with your partner and open your relationship before you open yourself up to other experiences.

C – Some people might like the idea to date mono for a while and get to know each other without too much distraction. That can actually be a good idea. Poly can add some stormy feelings to the mix and that might not be a good idea in your personal user-manual (I often challenge my clients to write their own user-manual). Some people feel that their relationship did get a clear start because both partners resigned from seeing others for 4 months or so.
Do not start to believe however that you could change your partner into mono -it happens a lot that people get this idea and that almost always backfires-

# Answer 2 (personal):
But if you put the question like that i would like to ask a question back: Are you really sure you want to live poly? Could it be that you are trying to get used to the idea or that you want to buy some time?.. That also happens a lot and it sometimes really takes some soul-searching if you will be happy puppy in an open relationship. A lot of people are, a lot of people are not! And would that be polysexual or polyamorous you’re looking for? You could be polysexual without being polyamorous and some swingers are really monogamous. And polyamorous people come in flavors too. Some have a primary relationship and some don’t. Talk about it, try to assess your feelings as you imagine yourself in that relationship.

As the English say: be careful what you wish for, you just might get it… 😉

So express your needs, wants, and nice-to-haves and where it’s coming from. What does it mean to be poly for you. What playroom, wiggle room breathing room do you need for your self? How much room would you be like to give to you partner, not out of a negotiation perspectives but out of feelings of compersion.



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Published by KinkindeRelatie

A Kink Aware and openminded (relationship) coach. That does not mean you have to talk about kink, but at least here you don't have to be silent about it.

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