Sexuality
Question
I have a fetish for diapers and I don not mean to stop liking that stuff, what I experience as a problem is the urge to pleasure myself when I see or think about a diaper. I want my abdl life to be pure, like that of a child’s. Not masturbating fives times a day which leads me into self hate and depression. I want to have the cute cuddly stuff for regression values, not because it makes me feel horny. I start fantasize about my close friends that don’t even know that ABDLs exist. When I see them I remember what I fantasized about them which leads to uncomfortable feelings. Can you help me to stop being such a pervert?
Answer
As a kink aware (sex positive) therapist (with a specialization in addiction management) people often share their fantasies with me. And I often say fantasies are free… at least we can have ’em rather cheap. Do not beat yourself up to much about your fantasies. Your actions are way more important. But having said that, I am familiar with ABDL and I do understand the difference between regression and fetish. So I do think I get your drift and see your problem.
I would not stop with the no-option: “I should stop doing/thinking that!” but I’d advice you getting to the issues that are underlying and i’d like to advice you to focus to the “why?”.
What do you get out of it? And don’t say “nothing” because you wouldn’t ‘start up’ 5 times a day. No guilt here, no shame needed, but interest and curiosity that will get you further.
Displaced Feelings?
Are there perhaps anger-issues converted to horniness?
We humans, we can fool ourselves with the labels of our emotions. Just as anger is often converted to sadness (the ‘Female’-upbringing) or the other way around (often seen around Males), humans can really feel they are horny while in truth the perceived horniness is covering another emotion that is “not otherwise allowed” somehow (most often fear, sadness or anger).
I would advice you to leave the path of self-rejection. It just does not produce results.
Apparently you have something to gain there that is hard to integrate. And remind you: integration is not just letting your feelings do whatever the fuck they want to do. Integration is incorporating your horniness in the totality of you as a system. What does it add, what does it cost to the other elements inside you.
Integration needs exploration: What part of yourself gets room while wanking. And remember, it is just as with dope: the “just say NO!”-‘solution’ is about as useful as chewing bubblegum.
Trippin’ analogy
Orgasms are often -just as other drugs- bi-fasic.
There is an up-fase and a down-fase. The fun in drinking gets the hangover as the equalizer. We hyperventilate during orgasm, and a lot of chemicals as dopamine, adrenalin and prolactin that float around in our brain give a mental experience of both the (pre-)orgasmic “up” state as it does in the post-orgasmic ‘down’ state.
That view also helps to create a nuanced look at the feelings you get in the post-orgasmic state. You might think (often fear-fueled) thoughts you wouldn’t usually have, you might experience deep (and negative) feelings you wouldn’t usually do. Taking these things not as they are (a post-orgasmic temporary state of altered consciousness, a ‘hangover’) but taking them for your truthful self-image, that might lead up to extra fears that tend to takeover the thought processes. If you take ’em as the hangover that belongs to the kick then you can ponder wether the kick is worth the hangover.
We might take drug-trip analogy even a bit further.
Important with mind-altering drugs is that you don’t want to control but learn to “ride” your trip. Focussing on the good experience in the “now”, while your brain is on chemicals and a realistic perspective during those moments, it helps to be aware that you’re not your normal self right then, that helps to put negative feelings in perspective. While riding those waves it is important to want to deal with difficult stuff when you’re in a normal, rational state of consciousness. And if you make the orgasm to the main ‘up’ in your life you tend to deepen your post-orgasmic depression.
And again just as doing drugs: one way to help yourself to have a good post-orgasmic experience is to feel good before masturbating, to feel good about the time you take out of your day to pleasure yourself, and to feel secure about the thoughts that lead you to masturbating.
As I read somewhere on the interwebz:
take some time to make peace with yourself before trying to make love to yourself.
Otherwise you’ll feel violated when you’re done.
Reinforcers and responsibility
On another note however:
any orgasm itself is a powerful reinforcer (I mentioned the dopamine, didn’t I?). Therefore taking responsibility towards yourself and others is also a part of integration. And then it’s good to remind yourself that every orgasm creates its own future-pull towards the fantasy that led to it. I am not saying you shouldn’t pleasure yourself. I would want to say to enjoy it wise.
So you apparently do have sexual feelings, something to take into account. So you might want to find some other interesting FAP-material to “stick it to” 😉 that would be releasing the pressure a bit on the fantasies you seek to ‘un-perv’.
Yes, you find me taking a bit of an addiction coaching direction (mind you: “addiction” is a very poorly defined word with lots of ridiculous notions stuck to it and sobriety is certainly NOT the only way out of addiction). Taking that approach one step further, I would also advice you to find different things give your life more quality of life. Things that make your life more pleasurable, more interesting (less boring). Put the sparkle back in other places of your life, find some spiritual practices to do that seem interesting to you (seks and spirituality are often forgotten in therapy).
And the good old: “do pick up sports!” is not without sense here. Our brain produces a lot of chemicals while doing mild sporting activities that are very helpful during processes of change.
I do offer skype-therapy sessions (for long distance contacts): lemme know if I can be of any help.
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