More about “sexual polarities”… (9 questions)

Consider your sexual polarities


I’ve talked about the sexual polarities before (see here*). People liked a little more explanation with this so: this time a post with a little bit more text for you to be able to get a better feel for the options in play.

Of course these are just very crude polarities, for every axis of BDSM has it’s own paradoxical aspects. I’d love to submit to you and be degraded by you but I’d totally want to be respected in doing so. I’d like to smack you and perhaps even see you cry because I really care for you and your masochism. I really want to be shackled and bound so that I won’t have any possibilities to withstand those evil sexual kicks of my partner and I am left really no other choice but enjoying them immensely šŸ™‚

Consider your sexual polarities

So the questions on this page refer to another page on this site or to a google form with the same questions to be used for a bit of evaluation of discussion:

The questions ask you to choose on a scale between nine different polarities. Ā Every pair stands for a certain aspect of what could be considered as “kinky” sex, basically answering the questions: “are you kinky” and if yes “what aspects appeal to you”.
Don’t think these questions over very long, just tick the place where you would place yourself between the different polarities.
And please remember: there’s no right answer. The only wrong answer is any answer you’d give yourself if you would lie to yourself. If you do not feel safe to answer the questions honestly then just do not answer. Nobody should force you to answer those if you do not want to. It is just a littleĀ tool to:

  • better understand yourself and what you have to offer in a relationship.
  • You could alsoĀ have a look at your partner’s score to better understand him/her.
  • You could also score your experience in one color and score your interest in another and hand that to your partner
  • You could score your partner in another color and ask whether your ideas fit their reality
  • You could fantasize in which polarity a new step in your life (or in your relationship) could be taken without filling in any forms

And if you do experience difficulties in your relationship(s) you could all fill this form out and send ’em to me: for it could be a nice basis for a good conversation via Skype, for instance.


Nothing is forever

My first question is the expected expiration date (or perhaps I should say evaluation date) because -as said- nothing lasts forever. If you are new to this kind of thinking and wanting to explore kinks together with your partner it might be that in 6 months your interests will have changed. If you have fantasized about your kinks and you are not really going to experiment much in reality, you might not change much in the next year…
Anyway I always like to ask people about an expected expiration-date of their ideas for often a lot of people tend to think that one should not change our ideas about your sex… and a lot of relations are jumpstarted to a next level when they are re-evaluating their stances.

Kicks or evenness

I often call this the adrenaline axis. Some people are living their sexual life more in an even way, not to much ripples in the pond. You could even have some pretty kinky kicks but you would not want much different. Rituals and rites could be really your thing while others like to experience new things all the time. Are you more of an adrenaline-junkie in sex or would you rather go for evenness.

Intimacy or sexuality

This is not really, really a polarity. Some people can be very intimate and have steamy sex too. Still most people find themselves on the polarity between sexuality or intimacy in a certain relation. So perhaps you should consider the answer within the frame of a certain relationship whereas this could be different in others.
How would you weigh your contact? Would that be more in the realm of sexuality or rather intimacy?

Monogamous or non-monogamous

Some people are really into monogamous one-on-one relationships. Just one sex-partner and not really interested in others to make love to or to love.
On the other hand are others who like to stray (whether that would be in the open or maybe more with a scent of ‘cheating’). More of a one-to-many stance toward relationships, more non-monogamous, whether that takes more the form of polyamory or polysexual relationships.

Adornments or not

A lot of people like their sex unadorned, nude perhaps. Other people like to spike their sex with fetishes. Adornments likeĀ latex, leather cuffs, victorian dresses or specific uniforms or clothing. For one pajamas are just things to get comfy in and sleep or cuddle, for others the same PJ’s could be hot and fetishy. So it is not what you wear but it is whether you like to see or think of fetish objects during your sex… or not.

Objectification or not

A lot o people like to feel the contact with a human and like to feel the emotions of their sex-partner. A lot of people on the other hand like to objectify their partner a bit every now and then. You like to see your partner as a (sex)object or you like to give him/her a specific role or place in your sex-acts. The ‘contact color’ is the polarity that tries to explore the difference between “do you like to be objectified/do you like to objectify during sex or is humaneness and emotional contact appealing to you during sex.

Privacy versus exhibitionism or voyeurism

A lot of people really like their privacy during sex and they do not like to be seen or heard and do not like to see or hear other people having sex. Other people like to see other people making love or like to be seen or perhaps even like the risk of being captured during sex. That would be an amount of exhibitionism or voyeurism that is appealing to you during sex of the privacy during sex could be more your thing.

Movement restriction or not

A lot of people like to be restricted in their movement during sex or like their partner to be restricted. The helplessness can be appealing, the fact that one can do nothing but endure or the fact that one can decide for one’s partner what has to be endured with the help of bondage or shackles. Other people like to move freely and see their partner move freely also during sex. Is bondage an interesting concept for you or rather not, for you?

Is power erotic to you or not

Some people like to play with power-dynamics during sex, that’s also called power-erotics. Other people find the experience of the feeling of equality during sex important. This does not have to do with pain or something (that’s the next question) but for some people playing with dominance/submission is a power-dynamic that is really erotic. On the other hand a lot of people are more into equality during sex and would think of inequality as a hassle. Some have loved it from the beginning, for others it is an acquired taste.

Playing with pain

The last question of this small polarity questionnaire has to do with the sensations you are looking for during your sexuality. Are you into sadomasochism: do you have either sadistic or masochistic tendenties during your lovemaking? Do you enjoy seeing the reaction to pain or does the idea of receiving the more stronger sensations of sweet pain or do you prefer to get/give the more subtle sensations during sex without administering pain or having pain administered.

Polarities and discussion

The main avail of these polarities are not yet another “are you kinky or not”-questionnaire. You can decide for yourself if you answer your questions honestly. It is more an outset to start talking about wishes and feelings amongst people who love each other, of talking about fantasies or lack of feelings during sex.
I hope to inspire you to be who you want to be and to recognize the polarities within your relationship(s) to ignite fun and love and such.

If you’d like to contact about this, go to the Contact-page*
If you’d like to react privately:

If you’d like to react publicly leave a reply

Published by KinkindeRelatie

A Kink Aware and openminded (relationship) coach. That does not mean you have to talk about kink, but at least here you don't have to be silent about it.

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