the Narcisistic fracture of ‘Domlyhood’ (a good thing)

the feelings of Dom(me)s: the Narcisistic fracture of my Domlyhood

A stern Domly face
A gorilla with a stern Domly face 😉

Us Dom(me)s… especially the male ones amybe, we don’t really like to talk much about feelings. Especially our own feelings are often a bit ‘off limit’ for others to adres during play. We act, we demand, we look stern and maybe approve but mostly we are not too candid about vulnerable feelings.
And then of course there are always posts on discussion fora or remarks from some good teachers in BDSM-stuff that will teach you about that horrific “C”-word… communication.
And actually they make sense. So here I would like to mention some “Dom(me)-feelings” you could encounter and to talk about amongst each other, or with your playpartner(s).
Here: the Doubt

Even tho your heroes are maybe the Dom(me)ly ones that take their subbies by the lapels and kiss ’em directly on the mouth without much talk, grope the sensitive bits without a word and find their submissives melting like butter around a penetrating middle finger.
ah yeah.. Those are the stories we read/see… We are getting quite unrealistic images of “what is is to be a Dom(me)” from our media and porn. It is that image that might venture you straight into what I call for myself the “Narcisistic fracture(s) in my Domlyhood” …and believe me: to me that was a good thing.
I’d go even further and say it is even even a necessary thing to happen to any Dom(me) that pushed his (her) own limits.

You are my first

I have had a few myself. Being the sexual sadistic asshole that I am in BDSM-play 😉 ..and doing that for some time now… I think it is simply inevitable!

You can only be as Domly as your self allows us to carry :-D.

I remember my first one very well. Where I suddenly understood how close I was to assailing a girl (not in a good way) when I played with a woman enjoying her ass whipped good and loved her pussy tortured. How I know? We talked online and she asked me for it with with diligence.
I only forgot to ask her one thing: whether pussy torture would be a sexual thing for her… It never even start to cross my mind that something like non-sexual pussy torture could EXIST!

But then, when she suddenly cried out the safeword (soooo ƒπç≤-ing glad I always ‘play’ with a safeword) I was flabbergasted because of her reason when I asked. She used the safeword because she felt violated. After me torturing her cunt in several ways with clamps and whips, I started to touch her in a way that could produce pleasure. And that for her was not at all what she had been bargaining for. I could have put a crocodile clamp on her clit and that would have been fine. But the moment I touched her pussy with a vib because I personally like to mix pleasure with pain… then she only felt violated.

Let me be clear: I do not think that she should have shut up and take what she didn’t want or something… For myself I still do not understand how pussy torture can be a nonsexual thing but I will accept it is for her. Since we are actually equal even tho she was bound and obedient. Being the one that had the Domly initiative and therefore having the final responsibility in the moment, I am probably the one that could have asked…
Yup, she could have talked about her borders. But encountering them I have to accept that this was a hard limit for her. And accepting that, I understand that I would have crossed her emotional borders the moment I got sexual… more clearly: I did cross her BDSM-limits when I unknowingly did so.

I accepted the reality of the moment and ended the session with After the amazement with my disappointment and thanking her for the fun part of our play…

Narcisistic fractures in my ‘Domlyhood’

Terminology: Not Domdrop

I’d like to differentiate the “Narcisistic fracture of my Domlyhood” from another term that is connected to being a Dom(me): Dom-drop.
When I play hard, and when I really pushed my own borders, i am really tired afterward. And most likely I will feel a bit depri the day after the day after. Not the next day after playing (when I am still tripping on my ride), it is -for me- the day after, that I do feel something missing, that I do experience the harsh reality of reality and the fact that I am just human not just a Dom, that is the day I call Domdrop. Another feeling that has more to do with the depletion of adrenaline, dopamine and serotinine.

Terminology: Not Domfrenzy

I’d like to differentiate the doubt “Narcisistic fracture” also from another related term: Dom(me)frenzy.
When you have been fantasizing a lot while stil in the closet there is a charge that I often call the “slingshot principle” and when you charge out of your closet you might have a lot of energy and not to much reality-check that will keep you in check.

A subbie having to use her safeword within a play on me, her Dom was the first blow of course. The first time I misjudged the signals of my playpartner. Being a ‘true Dom’ I should have been able to sense those things ;-). That is the first reason for doubt of course (as it should be).

But the definitive real hammer for me was recognising how close I danced towards a real crossing of borders. It was shocking to me how closely i came to being an assailer. Not the way I like to see myself. That really did hurt my ‘Domlyness’…

And it is a good thing to recognize that both you and your playpartner are equal and that me, in the ‘Domfrenzy’ of a beginning Dom, I was way more vulnerable and dependent on the information that my subbie shared with me than I grasped at the time.

I think it is good to doubt and question your position a bit because you don’t want to end up in a situation that is way more vulnerable than you’s care to believe.

And of course, sure my slave should be happy that I do dare to live out my fantasies, for it creates her fantasies too… if we created alignment.
But for most being a Dom(me) in reality is often a more vulnerable position than it was thought to be in the initial fantasies.
But then.. living out your fantasy isn reality is way more interesting than just fantasizing.

The reality that carries fantasy

So… when this narcisistic idea of “What is a Dom(me)?” gets fractured, you are stepping into this thingy that is called “reality” with attached the clear need for the ‘terrible C-word’, communication that is.

An let me be clear, it is still not my most favorite part of being a Dom… I still would childishly love it when I’d be the one that is superhumanly capable to read every that is happening inside the brain I torture and abuse ;-). But alas, I have to recognize that in reality I do have limits and happen to be an equal human underneath this role I am receiving.
I am a human with a role in my sexuality that has really crazy possibilities that i am granted to have by my playpartners. Possibilities that grant me to explore the darker edges of my mind that are about abuse and sadism. And getting that possibility that’s a gift I am receiving from my playpartners. If anyone of them decides to press charges I don’t think I do things that would get me convicted in Holland (and that could be different in other countries) but her consent makes that I am granted a role that lets me explore my own borders.

Do not resist it

I’d advise: do not resist this painful moment of doubt. perhaps even search for it a bit if you are planning to push some borders. Talk with fellow Dom(mes), discuss it with your playpartners in a way that suits you.
It is part of getting to know the real possibilities of being a Dom(me). If you don’t leave your original idea behind of what it is to be a Dom(me) the chances get bigger that you will do things that will let you be just a perpetrator… with all the unwanted aspects that belong to that role… Perpetrator: not quite the role of Dom(me)! you aspire to, do not deny this aspect of the role you aspire to.


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Published by KinkindeRelatie

A Kink Aware and openminded (relationship) coach. That does not mean you have to talk about kink, but at least here you don't have to be silent about it.

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