The #MeToo and #BalanceTonCochon hashtags and what we can learn from kinky men

following the #MeToo hashtag
Alyssa Milano
Alyssa Milano

Alyssa Milano’s #MeToo action shows how many women have experienced sexual transgressions in their life. And no, that’s not just a little whistling on the street. And no, that’s not innocent because that insecurity does things with a mind.
If we dare to look, we’ll see that it is normal that more women have experienced this than not … what does that mean to the women with which we live together? What does it mean for their courage to be sexually daring in this society? Their freedom to enjoy sex…And what does this all mean to us as men? What can we learn from the men who embraced kinky sex?


Harvey Weinstein for example

Gwyneth Paltrow & Angelina Jolie
Gwyneth Paltrow & Angelina Jolie

For example, can you accuse Harvey Weinstein that he was interested in, among others, Gwyneth Paltrow and Angelina Jolie? … Hardly so, I think. What beau-ti-ful beautiful women! Can you accuse him of making a transgression of his proposals to these women?
That thus depends on your image of “what is a man”.

When you look at a man with the idea of: “Well, that is a very beautiful woman. so that’s a kind of superstimulus for every man. so we can no longer as a man be held responsible for our actions, we are not able to think and so we are reduced to a kind of drooling little beasties that can do little but blindly following their throbbing member” … then, of course, these women are to blame. They should not have been so damn attractive.

(…)

I do not concur, as a man (for I like beautiful women).

Would I like to “do” the women Weinstein apparently has bothered from his dominant position in the film world?
Hell yes!

Would I have approached those women in the same way?
Of course, I never know that absolutely sure. I never was in a luxury position in which I had so much power over the career of such women … But I hope not. And actually, I do not think so.


More than a dog

And I’m the first to say that a human being is not so much more than other mammals. In fact, I think we should leave a large part of our cognitive arrogance at the door. And I do think that a significant part of our human psychopathology is due to an overestimation of our rationality and willpower.

I like to think that a male is more than a dog wagging its tail.
But I think that, when we take our animalistic sides seriously, we are capable of more than just wagging our tails, as men.

But when you look at yourself and you tell yourself that you are not much more than a “savage”, an animal, then one does not exercise their willpower. Then we do not start to control your urges. So we do not practice a thing!
And then suddenly you’ll start to find that the cues are to blame. Not your willpower or your faith, or your standards and values decide what happens, it’s just the cues that trigger your helpless you. If you encounter long legs and a short skirt then you will have to feel her up a bit. You “can’t do anything about it” because she has “provoked me by dressing like that in my presence” … 
I do not concur, as a man.

And yes, we are talking about the world where our sisters live, our wives live, our mothers. A world where you should be afraid, as a woman, except maybe some women who shield off men out of safety considerations with a facial hair, or a layer of body fat or a choice of clothing that sheds off any man.
Because if they do not strip themselves of sexiness, it’s “their own fault” when we men do transgress.

Look, if we all create a culture that makes it logical that women not just do not come when they are having sex with men but we even learn women to defend themselves against sex with men. Then we create a culture that makes it more likely for women to be assaulted, groped, even raped. Let’s be clear: the chance is of having experienced transgressions as a woman is bigger than the chance of this not being the case…

This is about our sisters, our girlfriends, our women, our mothers. And we do not even know this because they have learned to shut up about it, even amongst themselves.
At least, until now, until this call from Alyssa Milano to respond to social media with #MeToo if you’ve experienced it.

And I do scare … I know the numbers. I know how much. I treat the women who have experienced it to leave such experiences in the past instead of their present … But I scare too, seeing there are as many as I see in my timeline.


Learning from male Kinksters

I think our society can learn from kinksters as us. We (as connoisseurs of sex) are very much aware of the importance of security. We know that we -as we organize a party- that we should give women the feeling that they are safe. Because only then they dare to show themselves as female. We must think about consent and equality under all the nice kinky ‘inequality’. We know we need to talk about it, just to create situations where we can enjoy all that ‘inequality’. Because if the women on those parties can enjoy themselves, the men will too.

Sex needs a difference. Sex needs tension. There are only very few people who get off on their own mirror image. The attraction is in the difference: the Jin who draws the Yang and vice versa. Sex can be nice and animal-like… once it’s sex. Therefore, men who have kinky sex, they know that the willpower I mentioned earlier is important and needs to be practiced. Willpower is like a muscle that you can flex and that you can let go.

If we do not learn to master our urges, if women continue to be bothered on the streets, if we continue to wack and grope as men, our women do not get the courage to show themselves. We know this as kinksters. That’s why we’re kicking the dumb guys out of our kinky parties. Because they are ruining the atmosphere and giving women the feeling that they need to be cautious. That is why we throw them out of our parties, those who can not keep themselves the unwritten rules, the acorns that are too stupid to inform themselves, the dogs that don’t know that respect is the most important thing at such parties. Respect and safety so that our partner know that they can behave unrestricted because we respect each other’s preconditions to have raw sex.

Many women indicate that they like kinky parties because there they can dress up provokingly and enjoy raw sex, just because they know that there they are less likely be on the receiving end of unwantedly groping under their short skirts in a kinky party than in an average pub!

Every idiot knows that women have an orgasm curve that is five times as long as the orgasm curve of a man. Every neck knows that “in-out-in-out” (and repeat) might give a woman the feeling that she is attractive … but usually (66,6%), it will not lead to orgasm.

We kinksters celebrate our sexuality! … and self-control is inextricably linked to this …

It’s 2017 .. decades after the sexual revolution and two-thirds of women do not cum if they are with a man. while almost all men are getting their ‘release’ … oh, and then the party is immediately over …

I often borrow the text from a friend who gave BDSM training to policemen:

“so you do fuck your wife, your girlfriend? and how long does that take? and does she get off? and you think of me as weird? My girl-slave has a two-hour prelude and by the time I get off she can hardly see straight anymore…. That! is my kick!

And of course, that is macho talk! And I don’t really mind because for most men it is a real turn on when the woman he makes love to enjoys herself.
Personally, I do not think it’s so bad that men have men’s talk. But I’d like to promote men’s talk that causes not so many women to be assaulted and raped!


The Lessons

But should the lessons from #MeToo be that I, as a man, should feel guilty about my more animalistic power exertions that my kinky lovers are enjoying? Should I conclude that raw power is not OK while there are female partners enjoying this side of men?
I don’t think so!

My conclusion would rather be that the lack of bandwidth is the main problem with the men who caused the #Metoo-notifications. The lack of subtlety in the lower range and an incapability in coping with awkwardness makes them betting too high in the ‘hunt’ for partners. I also think they did not have the courage to look for lovers who are also enjoying their kicks (or kinks?). I tend to conclude that the people who cause #MeToonotifications aren’t able to constructively talk about their needs in a way that makes them attractive in the eyes of their (potential) partners. Not the presence of an animalistic side in sex seems to be the problem but the lack of sex-positive communication and control seems to be the problem to me…. And that could be taught to interested men. That’s why I think the French analogue of #MeToo: the #BalanceTonCochon hashtag (balance your pig) is beautiful. Because we do not have to slaughter our “inner pig” we need to balance it.

I think these things are exactly what the ‘ordinary’ men can learn from those ‘deviant’ kinksters. First things coming to mind:

  • Keep your hands to yourself when you are with the men and women you desire until they encourage you to do otherwise!
  • Learn to take a “no” gracefully without giving the communication a negative spin.
  • You have nowhere a “right to”… , there is no entitlement! But if you learn to play the game, your potential partners will give you the things out of their own!.
  • Respect each other (and respect is really something different than “fearing” somebody) … and respecting each other not only as a sexual object but as a human being who wants sex (if it’s happening).
  • Communicate about your wants and needs (in a respectful way) before you start living them. Embrace the awkwardness and learn the language.
  • Enjoy sex and make sure your partners enjoy sex with you at least as much as vice versa (and exactly that will make them work harder to make you enjoy the sex with them too)
  • If you can keep your animalistic mindsets in check, you can enjoy a lot (waaay more than an uncontrolled release or a release only under the influence of chemicals).
  • Educate yourself! about the kinky shit you want to do or about the sex you want (risks, fun, dosage, intensities, safesex etc.).
  • And watch the number of women and men using the hashtag #metoo to indicate that they are in their place life assaulted and abused … men, that says something about us!

 

Hans

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