Healing aspects in BDSM

Sexuality/BDSM/Kink

Question:

Lately, I am on the interested in healing elements in BDSM. So I am interested in (online) conversations with people that are into BDSM and also have diagnoses like (C)PTSD, depression, autism, AD(H)D etc.etc.
(No, I am not interested in the dirty details, NO, I don’t think that ‘BDSM-therapy’ is a good thing. YES I do think BDSM can be healing and I’d like to show professionals the ways in which it could be healing)
No, I am not that interested in “meanings” and “I think that’s”, I’d like to hear from people who experienced the reality of things, how did it work out in your life? What worked? What did not work?

Could I interest you into thinking about the ways that BDSM can be healing -if you do it right with the right partners-.
(and if you have diagnoses like these and you think that BDSM has nothing to do with it… please let me know too).

So, feel free read this and add your own experience to this. Mind you, this is an early start, a discussion-starter rather than a “fixed & fertig” line of reasoning. So it has a messy layout and it is just meant to get you thinking (and reacting)

I do think that as a therapist/coach we could sometimes refer more to things that happen in sex and the things they experience in their scenes people play at home, or at parties.

But then we need to think about those healing factors in BDSM/Kink beforehand as to create the most healing life-experiences. Possibilities a kinkster maybe could have that most vanillas won’t have.

Healing aspects in BDSM

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If you want to read an earlier post about this: The “BDSM is therapeutic”-discussion*
If you’d like to react please do so to: HansRJWest@Gmail.com or if you want to react on Fetlife: Hans (NL)* of KinkAwareCoach (Eng)*

I often hear people say that BDSM:

• • helped ’em to get closure from certain things in the past (even people having C-PTSD, and serious depressions)
  • helped them understand better what happened in the past
  • people describe a calming effect to the storm inside
  • people describe a feeling of strength and beauty thru suffering that helps a feeling of self-worth

So let me try to make a list of points that could be used as mental health promoting elements in the life of kinksters with mental problems.
Such a list might contain possible healing factors in BDSM such as:

• Self-understanding (NL: “begrip geeft grip”)
• BDSM and kink give a feeling of “otherness” and that makes you wonder about yourself and about what is… ‘normal’ in society, now you’ve found this freedom to make your own rules… Where do you like to rules and rulers.
• It gives a format for self-understanding
• Sessions can give some a better understanding of the perpetrator (urges) (both Tops and Bottoms) and may even lessen “the predatory fear”
• Giving words to feelings in the here-and-now (for kinksters are often people who talk more about their feelings.
• Choosing to live your kinks sexuality can help to let go of a lot of (in hindsight useless) shame. It helps to let go of a lot of so-called “walls” of protection (i.e. showing and sharing emotions and feelings with others)

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• Reclaiming sexuality
• Roleplaying situations are somehow partially similar to past experiences but now with way more control over the situation (both Tops and Bottoms), sometimes aid in reclaiming sexuality after rape or transgressions
• Being someone’s sex object (in a respectful way) takes away the responsibility and makes it easier to live your sexuality (being in bondage for some, can help to give the feeling/fantasy that it’s not your responsibility, whats happening to you)
  • some aspects in MPD can ‘come out’ more easily because of the limited (i.e. safe) ‘play’ ground of the BDSM-structure

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• Getting a handle on feelings of stress and other feelings
• A slow buildup in pain-play (endorphins) can have a mood-stabilizing effect (Bottoms)
• Pain can also give a “rush” it makes some feel “stronger”
  • Endorphins and adrenaline from forms of gradually increased and prolonged painplay may relieve depression (or addiction) –Speransky Spanking Method–
  • Mummification or so called ‘connective bondage’ (lots of evenly distributed rounds with an eveny ditributed pressure) and/or depriving of senses can give a more-or-less meditative state that can turn out very relaxing for a submissive into secure bondage.
  • The relaxed state of the submissive in subspace can ‘transfer’ (in the way that emotions seem to be ‘contagious’) to the Dom(me) and give a genuine form of relaxation and fulfilment (Dom-space?)

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• Safely exploring feelings
• Being loved and cared for by your Dom(me)(for Bottoms)
• It gives a format in which you can be feeling of sexiness/hornyness in a ‘safe’ way (not possible before)
• Sessions can give more respect for your own strength (it gets clearer what you’ve endured) (both Tops and Bottoms)
• The kinky scene can be experienced as spiritual people, with a lot of compassion and understanding, that leave room for a safe, intimate and playful exploration.

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• Success experiences
• BDSM as a structure can give a suitable “role” one that one can comfortably fill because it fits the personality, core values, and desires. It gives fulfillment in a way.
• people describe a feeling of strength and beauty thru suffering

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• Structure
• BDSM can give a structure with clear responsibilities (especially Old School settings),
• kink can be a playing field that allows you to play (an important thing in life that is often overlooked)

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• Reparenting
• A Dominant can have the aura of a “good enough parent” and thus help “reparent” the person that has missed a consistent parent in their youth (for submissives)
• The guiding hand (often chores for your self-worth)
• BDSM might show you a future self (a good Dom that is control of one’s own feelings) that you’d like to grow towards.

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• Corrective Experiences
• Loving Doms can help quench anxieties (for Subs)
• Obedient submissives can be very healing for uncertainty in the doubting Dom (for Doms)
• Submission can be helpfull to have respect for authorities in daily life (work – how to be humble, how to accept a “no” without questioning: “why?”)

reclaiming your sexuality might be the ultimate vengeance…

And of course: that is just a starting motivation. I think that some people need to be motivated and the angry ones can be motivated by vengeance… But in the end forgiveness is the bigger ‘vengeance’

Hans (Kink Aware Coach .com)

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I’ve come to understand a better understanding of who I am now through BDSM. It has defined me, I found out who I am. I NEVER knew who I was. But mainly it’s because the Dominant I am with NOW has brought the best me out. It’s like a self-discovery for me.

I can be open and express myself in ways I didn’t think were possible. I can talk about anything and everything and not just let it bottle up for fear of a negative reaction or it turns into physical abuse.

My Sir/fiance has made me feel love not just for another person but love for myself. Made me feel safety in also not just him but also in myself.

The guidance he gives me is calming and is something I’ve always craved in life.

When I was being beaten in the past it made me feel weak, whereas now, these “beatings” makes me feel strong

Thanks to Several people that like to remain unmentioned and Adam Day, Donna Azar

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