General
Question:
Hans, I heard about the four horsemen in relationships… What is that?
Answer:
Dr. John Gottman’s “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” are 4 ways of interacting between partners that cause a lot of relationship drama if this happens regularly. They are: Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt and Stonewalling.
While most relationships will have some of these, healthy relationships don’t use them often and do more to repair them when they were accidentally used.
Relationship conversation
A little bit of info about those “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (of your relationship)” and ways to repair them.
- Criticism
This is when you do a global attack on your partner’s character or personality. Often blaming over-generalizations (“you always are/do …” or “you don’t care”), negative labels (“you are so forgetful/ lazy/ stupid”), illnesses (“are you retarded?”, “are you demented?”).
Antidote: Learn to complain about actions or behavior, without suggesting that your partner is somehow defective. A complaint only addresses a specific action at which your spouse failed.
- Defensiveness
Blaming the partner and in essence saying: “the problem isn’t me! it is you!”
Antidote: Accepting responsibility for at least a part of the problem. Learning that a problem of your partner undermines the relationship that carries you in your life, so being responsible to do your part in changing your relationship.
- Contempt
Is where one looks down on the other. This form of superiority usually involves mockery, sarcasm, and cynicism (body language includes eye-rolling or sneering).
Antidote: Create a culture of praise. Look at the things you are proud of in your partner and find compromises with your spouse in combining their’s and your dreams.
- Stonewalling
Instead of dialoging about the problem, one of you tunes out. B.t.w., this can be a reaction to situations of feeling “emotionally flooded”.
Antidote: Learn to breathe and self-sooth and or take time outs, providing a short break in order to gather up strength and emotionally stability before again starting up the discussion over the issue at hand.
So, let’s talk (not blame) 🙂
Hans
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