Sexuality/Fetish
Question:
Do I have to let my fetishist partner experiment if I won’t join the fetish action anymore? Will I otherwise lose him to kink/fetish secrets? How do I know how strong it is in him? Is the urge stronger than love?
Answer:
That is debatable… a debate that should be held, I guess… For only time will tell… Or better said: You will tell each other in time in your relationship
Fetish ‘strength’
In the realm of sexual coaching/ ~ therapy, we tend to look at fetish as like ascending a staircase with three steps.
Do I have to let my fetishist partner experiment if I won’t join the fetish action anymore?
I always find that a really interesting question. “Do I have to let my fetishist partner experiment”. Of course, the answer is “NO!”
you don’t have to do anything at all!
Like your partner, who also does not have to do anything. You are both free to give each other love in the ways you are both capable of.
The second part is harder “if I won’t join the fetish action anymore?” My question is: why would you? Better said: “why would you not?”
It could be that your partner isn’t helping you much to enjoy his fetish. That sometimes happens. But that has more to do with his capability to see you as a separate person than with his kinkiness.
That, or it could point to your capability of being interested in the life of your partner
Will I otherwise lose him to kink/fetish secrets?
Now that could very well be if fetish is important to him and you are not opening up to his interests.
In the realm of sexual coaching/ ~ therapy, we tend to look at fetish as like ascending a staircase with three steps.
- 0 – ground floor (no fetish whatsoever)
- 1st – level (a little fetish here and there spices up life)
- 2nd – level (fetish is an important part of the sex life)
- 3rd – level (without fetish there is not really much sex possible)
One can easily understand that the fetish attraction has much to do with someone’s fetish -level and that losing him to fetish secrets has lots to do with the interest you have in his enjoyment in his fetish (i.e. his need to hide and lie about his fetish).
It is often easy to blame the fetishist that is hiding his fetish pleasures. But it is a good idea to be open to his fetishes, or at least interested. Without having to join him in his level of fetish, by the way. But if you are -for instance- really into gardening and your partner never asks about your green fingers and never takes a look at your gardens…
Your partner might feel that gardening came in between the relationship.
How do I know how strong it is in him? Is
And here it gets amazingly simple. How about Just Ask?
out of interest in your love and in a relationship ‘work meeting’ to align the wishes.
Just show him this article and ask him to rate himself between 1 to 3. And please do so without voicing much concern or disappointment. Sometimes it gets harder to tell the truth if you experience your partner as really opinionated about a certain subject.
And please rate yourself as well. To help him understand that your urges are likely to differ and that is OK!! Not so much “easy” to be not 100% ‘kink-aligned’. But then: who is?
If both your loves are big enough to bridge that distance, and to help each other invest interest in your partner… If you are both capable of leaving your partner room for hobbies and if you both are able to await the returning back and a few mistakes along the way. If you are open-minded, then giving room for his fetish might even deepen his love for you.
the urge stronger than love?
That question has a proposition inside… is fetish ‘just’ an urge… that opposes love?
I can only give one important tip. If you talk about love and being in a relationship with a fetishist… please, do not oppose the two, I would advise. Love is not in any way an opposite from the fetish ‘urge’. And opening up toward each other’s urges is part of love in the 2020s, I think?
Let’s not put that statement in a question. I personally do think that giving room for each others hobbies and urges to keep each other happy is a part of relating (enjoying a relationship as a verb).
Wanting some help?
I hope this answer has been of help to talk amongst each other as loving adults. And if I can be of any help in this: please let me know and contact me. I talk with people online all around the world. So if you’d want to unload, if you have questions, if you can’t find the words, if I can help you understand one another… let me know.
So, let’s talk about things 🙂
Hans
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