Fetish
Question:
Let’s be clear. For a lot of people, it is a really healing experience to go out to a kinky club or a fetish club for a night of debauchery and fun. Where people like you would have enjoyed your (MFX) ‘dad-bod’ tummy, your kind smile, your hands, your long skinny legs and your cute small titties, your nice and round ass or your voluptuous boobies, your long flowing hair or stormtrooper crew-cut… Why can we not go to a kinky party with mostly warm and welcoming people that most likely have dealt themselves with forms of rejection?
Why would we not enjoy the abovementioned healing effects of a welcoming compliment on such kinky-, fetish-, play-parties?
Answer:
(not really much of a question in that question right?)
But the answer is: Well, mainly because I do not look like the supermodels on the flyer of that party. A flyer -by the way- that is heavily photoshopped as anyone can see.
Kinky Parties and Fetish Parties
The heart of the problem is mine!
You recognise the heart of the problem?
The problem is that I can’t go out because I think I’m too ugly to go out. So I can’t feel even partially beautiful because I did not get the compliments that I would have gotten if I had been going out… By the way, this is a bit like the reason why I can’t go to the gym… Because I have to walk in there in gym clothes and I’m too fat for gym clothes… so I won’t be able to train to convert my fat into muscle…
ever heard of self-fulfilling prophecies, maybe???
OK, there are a lot of thoughts that do not really reflect a lot of common sense but we believe’em anyway. And as long as we are believing them, we won’t take the next step… and this step happens to be the step is needed in reality to evaporate the thought that holds us back.
So… what can we do?
What CAN we do?
I often say: “we worry best on paper”. So take a pencil and a piece of paper and an egg timer. Set the egg timer on 10 to 20 minutes max and start worrying. Every mean thought, every anxious idea gets on to that paper. Try to keep up, our head is really really fast when we are in automatic mode. And mind especially the tone in which you bitch towards yourself in your head.
Write all the remarks down, write the tone of voice in the margin. And when the egg-timer tells you to stop: stop mid-sentence. Drop the pen and reward yourself for taking step 1.
The next day, or later that day (but not too late for I want you not too sleepy because then you just might swallow it all for being the truth. I want you to read out loud what you have written and answer 2 questions:
- Is it true?
- Is it helpfull?
If it’s both true and helpful mark it with a “++” if it is true but not helpful mark it with a “±“, if it is not true but helpful mark it with a “±“, if it is not true and if it is also not helpful mark it with a “—“… And then: have a look at your total score… and answer 2 questions:
- Would you talk to a friend that way?
- If someone else would talk to a friend of yours, and that friend was so weary and worn out that they would not react but swallow those words for truth.. What would you say to your friend (or the one that made such remarks)?
And after having answered those questions again take a look at all the remarks and for each one answer with either one of two Y-or-N answers:
- Do I want to/ am I going to/ can I really change this body part?
- If yes: pick up your agenda and make room in your agenda for the things you need to do for the things you want to change
- If not: what exactly is the problem? And who actually has said they have a problem with it?
- If I am not gonna put effort in to change it: It is what it is… So I better own it / flaunt it (so make some room in your agenda to search for people who really own and flaunt exactly this body part exactly as yours is).
- …You don’t find the answer you’d wanna give? (ohhh you just want it to go away by itself without putting any effort in it) (…)
So the effect on worrying on paper should be in this case:
- Is my self-talk really true?
- Is the intentional tone of my self-talk helpful?
- And to what extent do I want to do something with it/ about it? FOR MYSELF!
And by the way… The only thing that can really help: dress your self up nicely, put on some makeup (maybe even outside your comfort zone) and then go out while standing up straight.
Merula
…Good experiences build confidence
If you’d like some help, let’s talk 🙂 (online)
Hans
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