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I’d like to talk personally …

Shizzle

Question:
I’d like to sit down and talk about my shizzle personally with someone knowledgeable and experienced.
Answer:
You can… 🙂

Read on: Continue reading “I’d like to talk personally …”

Chemsex: addiction & dependence

Sexuality

Question:
I hear you help people that are having problems with chemsex?
Could you say more about that, please?
Answer:
Sure! have talked about the subject before on our ‘Kinky Talks’ (English) that I do with our fab Adalberto. We’ve talked about it in our Tabootalks’ (Dutch). And I’ll talk about it on Sunday of the Mister International Rubber (MIR) convention in Chicago (alas, online from Amsterdam) 😉 Continue reading “Chemsex: addiction & dependence”

HEUTE (an art project with a cause)

Sexuality/BDSM/Fetish

HEUTE enters the world disguised as PORNO STORE, a faux multimedia sex shop located in imaginary cyberspace. PORNO STORE exists only to start conversations about sex and sex workers in mind-opening ways. PORNO STORE delves into the cyber-reality of sex working in times of Covid-19, SESTA, and FOSTA while opening discussions on how to protect those who bravely sell the most consumed product of modern society: sex.

Continue reading “HEUTE (an art project with a cause)”

Kink has always been political and has always had political consequences

Let me be clear: black lives matter to me. And there is no “but” following that statement.
Being a white old fart myself, black lives matter to me and that is exactly why I am worried about the conversations I read on facebook where people from the “Black lives matter” movement are turning more and more unforgiving and reactive even when supported by ‘my’ people, the kinksters.

Continue reading “Kink has always been political and has always had political consequences”

Having difficult conversations… (incl. the 5% rule)

(Relationship) conversations

Having difficult talks with a positive outcome… Not an easy feature.
I often give the following list to people who have to have difficult conversations in a relationship under pressure (a love relationship, a working relationship, a friendship relationship or a therapy relationship).
This list is therefore also useful for coaches / therapists (not only to improve their own conversation techniques but also, for example, for their clients if maintaining relationships is a point of attention in their sessions).

(Relationship) Conversation aspects:
A- 5% truth (get the sting out – incl. apologize, accountability)
B- Feelings and emotions (their feeling, your feeling)
C- Inquire if the content came across, clarify, feeling, behavior)
D- Valuation (conditional / unconditional)

Continue reading “Having difficult conversations… (incl. the 5% rule)”

Relationships end because of… a lack in flexibility

General

Question:
Can polyamorous relationships last or does polyamory end relationships over time?
Answer:
The short answer sounds a bit depressing but please do read on, because it is actually really hopeful.
The short answer is: Relationships don’t last! They just don’t.
Monogamous relationships don’t. Polyamorous relationships don’t.

please read on…

Continue reading “Relationships end because of… a lack in flexibility”

Female sex and the duality within BDSM

Sexuality/BDSM

Why BDSM?
In a society where on the one hand we try to sell everything with sex and on the other hand, we try to deny our sexuality, especially the female sexuality, it is not really surprising that reading material such as “fifty shades” gets so popular so suddenly. Materialism (real Dominants have their own private helicopters, right?) combined with romantics (I will ditch my most fulfilling fantasy for your love) and most importantly sizzling hot sex!
Because fi-nal-ly there is a man who knows what he wants and knows how to take it… while respecting me for what I am when I give it.

Continue reading “Female sex and the duality within BDSM”

A post about Sub frenzy that is appreciated best afterward

BDSM

Question:

What do those beginning subbies think when they enter the scene and deliver themselves hands tied, with health and heart and soul to this Dom(me) they really know nothing about.

Answer:
Actually, they don’t…
Subfrenzy is sooo sexy. It is so cute to look at and it’s so devastating, sometimes.
Subfrenzy is the frenzy on which new subbies dive into the hands of un-checked men and women, dive headfirst into the experience of sex with BDSM and want to check off everything that can be done in BDSM in a month (which does make a really busy month -without much processing time-)
Continue reading “A post about Sub frenzy that is appreciated best afterward”

Healing aspects in BDSM

Sexuality/BDSM/Kink

Question:

Lately, I am on the interested in healing elements in BDSM. So I am interested in (online) conversations with people that are into BDSM and also have diagnoses like (C)PTSD, depression, autism, AD(H)D etc.etc.
(No, I am not interested in the dirty details, NO, I don’t think that ‘BDSM-therapy’ is a good thing. YES I do think BDSM can be healing and I’d like to show professionals the ways in which it could be healing)
No, I am not that interested in “meanings” and “I think that’s”, I’d like to hear from people who experienced the reality of things, how did it work out in your life? What worked? What did
not work?

Could I interest you into thinking about the ways that BDSM can be healing -if you do it right with the right partners-.
(and if you have diagnoses like these and you think that BDSM has nothing to do with it… please let me know too).

So, feel free read this and add your own experience to this. Mind you, this is an early start, a discussion-starter rather than a “fixed & fertig” line of reasoning. So it has a messy layout and it is just meant to get you thinking (and reacting)

I do think that as a therapist/coach we could sometimes refer more to things that happen in sex and the things they experience in their scenes people play at home, or at parties.

But then we need to think about those healing factors in BDSM/Kink beforehand as to create the most healing life-experiences. Possibilities a kinkster maybe could have that most vanillas won’t have.

Continue reading “Healing aspects in BDSM”

a Q&A about ABDL with Emma for Bold Pleasures

Fetish

Emma and I did an AMA (Ask Me Anything) about ABDL for Bold Pleasures* which I thin is really informative to the general public. We ended up talking for one and a half hours about ABDL with Sonja to clarify things about this growing but often frowned upon fetish.
In a world where rappers are ridiculizing ABDL, while at the same time wanting to be called “Daddy” by their “little girls”, we talk like adults about ABDL… #funnyworld 🙂
Continue reading “a Q&A about ABDL with Emma for Bold Pleasures”

The “BDSM is therapeutic”-discussion

BDSM/Kink

Question:


Do you think that bdsm can help through difficult emotional times in your life? How can it help me emotionally?
Answer:
Questions like this always spark the discussion “is BDSM therapeutic?” and “Could there be BDSM-therapy?”
Even tho a lot of laymen would want to stand in the shadow of good old Freud, my answer is always rather pragmatic
Continue reading “The “BDSM is therapeutic”-discussion”

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