I’d like to talk personally …

Shizzle

Question:
I’d like to sit down and talk about my shizzle personally with someone knowledgeable and experienced.
Answer:
You can… 🙂

Your choices

Read on:

Relationship drama due to Gottman’s “Four Horsemen”

General

Question:
Hans, I heard about the four horsemen in relationships… What is that?
Answer:
Dr. John Gottman’s “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” are 4 ways of interacting between partners that cause a lot of relationship drama if this happens regularly. They are: Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt and Stonewalling.
While most relationships will have some of these, healthy relationships don’t use them often and do more to repair them when they were accidentally used.

How Do I Find a Dominant Partner (in a Good Way)?

BDSM

Question:

“Hans, I am a hetero guy, aware of my submissive BDSM-feelings. What would be the best way to find a nice play-partner who has dominant feelings? I do encounter people online -and before corona, I went to a club once-, but I never took the step to ask a Domme/Mistress if she would like it to get to know each other a little better.”

Dating in the BDSM-scene

Reader Question:

Answer:
Dear Reader,
When you start out as a ‘BDSM-er’, you obviously have the complete fantasy of your role when you step into this scene. We all step into this trap: as a right-minded slave/sub – Dom/Master person, shouldn’t I be more ‘subbish’/’Domly’ when I approach a possible partner?

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Especially when I am a slave: “can I just go to a Dom(me) and tell this ‘D’ that I am attracted??”

Well, if you’re a really good slave: of course you don’t!😉

Spoken in a really Domly deep voice…

Please remember that this is utterly B.S.
Because, if you’re just into your sub-role, you should wait nicely to see if the lady feels like giving you any attention (unless you happen to be a really bratty sub) and you ‘should’ wait for the dominant to pick you… 😉
Let me tell you: by doing so, there is a large chance that you’ll be waiting for a very long time.

Because, unless you have a truly godlike body, the D-type might not approach you at all, they might not notice how you yearn for their attention. How should they know what kind of a wonderful sub you actually could be (Oh, and by the way, if you do have this godlike body, they might still not approach you because they might be a little intimidated about your appearance. Doms are people too.)

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Don’t take two steps at the same time

So, the best way to find a nice partner in the BDSM-scene….is not that much different from the rest of the dating world: show that you’re an attractive partner! Talk about your interests and be helpful, ask for their interests in life (not just their wishes in the sexual realm). Pose questions about things you’re not sure about (yet) as a starter with a smile on your face. You are not dumb, you are a newbie! Ask about the way people got into the scene themselves. People -and definitely Dom(me)s also, like to talk about themselves. So ask interesting questions. Be active in discussions and the social life surrounding your contact. Show that you are not needy and that you know how to enjoy your life… and that a partner could possibly mean that you would enjoy your life even more.

So, at first, you need a level of establishing equal contact before both of you each decide for yourselves if you want to play the roles that you both fantasise about.

Hans

When you are in clubs, ask questions to the people you like to get to know. And there are always things to do, ask them if you can help out to improve their evening (whether they are subs, doms, males, females, employees or guests). Because: the more people you know, the more people who can introduce you to someone who is looking for someone like you.
And of course, it is always a little scary to make contact with people, because you never know upfront how someone will react to your offer or question. That’s why we call it “contact” and not a role(playing game)… Contact is always a bit unsure. Contact takes place on an equal level… and may lead to all kind of roleplay. But that’s for later 😉.

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A bit of Preparation

And -if someone suddenly asks you really Domly “what’s your story?”- then it’s useful to have done a little preparation beforehand.
Have your needs and wants (and nice-to-haves) clear in your mind. So you can answer what you (now as a starter) think you might want.
As I often say, have three answers prepared:

The one sentence is your place in the BDSM-array that you aspire to. Pick and choose from Rope bunny, Fetishist, Discipline, Submissive maybe even Degradee and Masochist) with a few extra words whether you are experienced or not.
The short story is the one-sentence and why that would be of interest to the listener (the D-that poses the question). And the whole story will come out piece by piece during something that is called a conversation amongst equal persons.

• The one-sentence which says it all,
• the short story with the main exciting fantasies, and
• the whole story with all its juicy (and gory) details

This way, you at least have something to say when someone asks you about what excites you. You often see that beginners only have “the whole story” ready when someone asks them a short question. And that can turn a little ‘awkward’ when suddenly someone has to listen to an entire monologue just because they happened to ask “what are you into?”

Even if your contact, from that moment, will be a contact where you are a 24/7 submissive… until that moment, you’re equal as just two people with an equal minded hobby/interest/kink.

Hans

And then there is a conversation that might lead up to a point where you both decide you both want to continue your contact waaaay less equal from thereon. 😉
But only take that bridge when you’ve gotten there…

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Would you like to discuss this (online) with a neutral person who doesn’t think fetishes are strange? And get some more pointers?
You know where to find me! (spoiler alert: the contact-page)

So, also as a good sub…happy hunting! 😉

Hans

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BDSM/Fetish – infatuation

BDSM/Fetish

Question:
My partner opened our relationship to give me room to explore my BDSM-feelings. And I have met my D-type last month and now I am seriously doubting wether to continue my vanilla relationship?
Answer:
Being ‘in looove‘ is a wonderful feeling. It is a strong feeling, not to be messed with, and it is an emotion that is kinda hard to stay rational about. Of course, there is no way I can give a conclusive answer to this question. But I think it is an excelent reason to talk about “BDSM-infatuation”. An emotion not so much geared to a person but rather to a lifestyle.

A rant about ‘breaking’ subs

BDSM

I’m going to take you apart… and leave you broken

Opinion:
Just a small Rant about those domly Dom’s that state: “I will break you apart… And then rebuild you as I please”…

Sounds nice but it is só stupid!
Let me explain why:

Chemsex: addiction & dependence

Sexuality

Question:
I hear you help people that are having problems with chemsex?
Could you say more about that, please?
Answer:
Sure! have talked about the subject before on our ‘Kinky Talks’ (English) that I do with our fab Adalberto. We’ve talked about it in our ‘Tabootalks’ (Dutch). And I’ll talk about it on Sunday of the Mister International Rubber (MIR) convention in Chicago (alas, online from Amsterdam) 😉

HEUTE (an art project with a cause)

Sexuality/BDSM/Fetish

HEUTE enters the world disguised as PORNO STORE, a faux multimedia sex shop located in imaginary cyberspace. PORNO STORE exists only to start conversations about sex and sex workers in mind-opening ways. PORNO STORE delves into the cyber-reality of sex working in times of Covid-19, SESTA, and FOSTA while opening discussions on how to protect those who bravely sell the most consumed product of modern society: sex.

Kink has always been political and has always had political consequences

Let me be clear: black lives matter to me. And there is no “but” following that statement.
Being a white old fart myself, black lives matter to me and that is exactly why I am worried about the conversations I read on facebook where people from the “Black lives matter” movement are turning more and more unforgiving and reactive even when supported by ‘my’ people, the kinksters.

Having difficult conversations… (incl. the 5% rule)

(Relationship) conversations

Having difficult talks with a positive outcome… Not an easy feature.
I often give the following list to people who have to have difficult conversations in a relationship under pressure (a love relationship, a working relationship, a friendship relationship or a therapy relationship).
This list is therefore also useful for coaches / therapists (not only to improve their own conversation techniques but also, for example, for their clients if maintaining relationships is a point of attention in their sessions).

(Relationship) Conversation aspects:
A- 5% truth (get the sting out – incl. apologize, accountability)
B- Feelings and emotions (their feeling, your feeling)
C- Inquire if the content came across, clarify, feeling, behavior)
D- Valuation (conditional / unconditional)

Relationships end because of… a lack in flexibility

General

Question:
Can polyamorous relationships last or does polyamory end relationships over time?
Answer:
The short answer sounds a bit depressing but please do read on, because it is actually really hopeful.
The short answer is: Relationships don’t last! They just don’t.
Monogamous relationships don’t. Polyamorous relationships don’t.

please read on…

Female sex and the duality within BDSM

Sexuality/BDSM

Why BDSM?
In a society where on the one hand we try to sell everything with sex and on the other hand, we try to deny our sexuality, especially the female sexuality, it is not really surprising that reading material such as “fifty shades” gets so popular so suddenly. Materialism (real Dominants have their own private helicopters, right?) combined with romantics (I will ditch my most fulfilling fantasy for your love) and most importantly sizzling hot sex!
Because fi-nal-ly there is a man who knows what he wants and knows how to take it… while respecting me for what I am when I give it.