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I’d like to talk personally …

Shizzle

Question:
I’d like to sit down and talk about my shizzle personally with someone knowledgeable and experienced.
Answer:
You can… 🙂

Read on: Continue reading “I’d like to talk personally …”

Kink has always been political and has always had political consequences

Let me be clear: black lives matter to me. And there is no “but” following that statement.
Being a white old fart myself, black lives matter to me and that is exactly why I am worried about the conversations I read on facebook where people from the “Black lives matter” movement are turning more and more unforgiving and reactive even when supported by ‘my’ people, the kinksters.

Continue reading “Kink has always been political and has always had political consequences”

Having difficult conversations… (incl. the 5% rule)

(Relationship) conversations

Having difficult talks with a positive outcome… Not an easy feature.
I often give the following list to people who have to have difficult conversations in a relationship under pressure (a love relationship, a working relationship, a friendship relationship or a therapy relationship).
This list is therefore also useful for coaches / therapists (not only to improve their own conversation techniques but also, for example, for their clients if maintaining relationships is a point of attention in their sessions).

(Relationship) Conversation aspects:
A- 5% truth (get the sting out – incl. apologize, accountability)
B- Feelings and emotions (their feeling, your feeling)
C- Inquire if the content came across, clarify, feeling, behavior)
D- Valuation (conditional / unconditional)

Continue reading “Having difficult conversations… (incl. the 5% rule)”

Relationships end because of… a lack in flexibility

General

Question:
Can polyamorous relationships last or does polyamory end relationships over time?
Answer:
The short answer sounds a bit depressing but please do read on, because it is actually really hopeful.
The short answer is: Relationships don’t last! They just don’t.
Monogamous relationships don’t. Polyamorous relationships don’t.

please read on…

Continue reading “Relationships end because of… a lack in flexibility”

A post about Sub frenzy that is appreciated best afterward

BDSM

Question:

What do those beginning subbies think when they enter the scene and deliver themselves hands tied, with health and heart and soul to this Dom(me) they really know nothing about.

Answer:
Actually, they don’t…
Subfrenzy is sooo sexy. It is so cute to look at and it’s so devastating, sometimes.
Subfrenzy is the frenzy on which new subbies dive into the hands of un-checked men and women, dive headfirst into the experience of sex with BDSM and want to check off everything that can be done in BDSM in a month (which does make a really busy month -without much processing time-)
Continue reading “A post about Sub frenzy that is appreciated best afterward”

Healing aspects in BDSM

Sexuality/BDSM/Kink

Question:

Lately, I am on the interested in healing elements in BDSM. So I am interested in (online) conversations with people that are into BDSM and also have diagnoses like (C)PTSD, depression, autism, AD(H)D etc.etc.
(No, I am not interested in the dirty details, NO, I don’t think that BDSM-therapy is a good thing. YES I do think BDSM can be healing and I’d like to show professionals the ways in which it could be healing)
No, I am not that interested in “meanings” and “I think that’s”, I’d like to hear from people who experienced the reality of things, how did it work out in your life? What worked? What did
not work?

Could I interest you into thinking about the ways that BDSM can be healing -if you do it right with the right partners-.
(and if you have diagnoses like these and you think that BDSM has nothing to do with it… please let me know too).

So, feel free read this and add your own experience to this. Mind you, this is an early start, a discussion-starter rather than a “fixed & fertig” line of reasoning. So it has a messy layout and it is just meant to get you thinking (and reacting)

I do think that as a therapist/coach we could sometimes refer more to things that happen in sex and the things they experience in their scenes people play at home, or at parties.

But then we need to think about those healing factors in BDSM/Kink beforehand as to create the most healing life-experiences. Possibilities a kinkster maybe could have that most vanillas won’t have.

Continue reading “Healing aspects in BDSM”

a Q&A about ABDL with Emma for Bold Pleasures

Fetish

Emma and I did an AMA (Ask Me Anything) about ABDL for Bold Pleasures* which I thin is really informative to the general public. We ended up talking for one and a half hours about ABDL with Sonja to clarify things about this growing but often frowned upon fetish.
In a world where rappers are ridiculizing ABDL, while at the same time wanting to be called “Daddy” by their “little girls”, we talk like adults about ABDL… #funnyworld 🙂
Continue reading “a Q&A about ABDL with Emma for Bold Pleasures”

The “BDSM is therapeutic”-discussion

BDSM/Kink

Question:


Do you think that bdsm can help through difficult emotional times in your life? How can it help me emotionally?
Answer:
Questions like this always spark the discussion “is BDSM therapeutic?” and “Could there be BDSM-therapy?”
Even tho a lot of laymen would want to stand in the shadow of good old Freud, my answer is always rather pragmatic
Continue reading “The “BDSM is therapeutic”-discussion”

Question: A real dominant doesn’t fuck on first dates, right?

BDSM/Dating

Question:
Some dude is messaging me about meeting me and wanting to get laid. I told him a real dominant doesn’t jump right into bed with someone first meet. Now he’s complaining it’s a bit of a train journey “just for a drink”. Is this in my head or am I right?
Answer:
oh… first… I really do think your “a real dominant does… (or does not)” is a bit of a misconception. Continue reading “Question: A real dominant doesn’t fuck on first dates, right?”

How to get your Self out of the Binge-and-Purge Cycle?

General

http://sarahhaney.comQuestion:
How can I get myself out of this binging purging cycle where I indulge in my fetish and have a blast. But during my purging, I really reject this side of my personality and throw away all of my gear. How can I prevent the purges or the binging?

Answer:
Binging and Purging a nasty cycle that seems to continue forever (and often downhill). There is a lot of writing about this in bulimia nervosa-literature but you also can notice this cycle in drug-dependence and -addiction and I also have often seen it in the lives of people trying to integrate kink into their life.
Continue reading “How to get your Self out of the Binge-and-Purge Cycle?”

Why? (am i Kinky)

Sexuality

Question:
Why am I a kinkster? Why have I developed this kink?Why do I like ageplay, do I like to be hit, do like to hit?.. What happened in my life that I love more than one, that I love latex, leather, diapers, different sex?
Answer:
It is a question often posed by kinkster – especially in the beginning of their self-acceptance).
Continue reading “Why? (am i Kinky)”

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