Kinky Talk Chemsex treatment? -03b-


In our Kinky Talks (nr. 24) too we did talk about different aspects of “chemsex”?
It might double-up the texts here and there but the Powerpoint might be an addition to the previous posts.


Continue reading “Kinky Talk Chemsex treatment? -03b-“

What goes wrong in Chemsex treatments? -03-



Let’s talk about the ‘drug’-aspects of “chemsex” problems?
Not so much the “what and how” -that is food for other posts- but more the “why?”

Continue reading “What goes wrong in Chemsex treatments? -03-“

What goes wrong in Chemsex treatments? -02-



Let’s talk about the ‘botttom’-aspects of “chemsex” problems? About our ideas of what should be possible and our self image.
Let’s have a bit of a look at porn. And how to enjoy it better.

Continue reading “What goes wrong in Chemsex treatments? -02-“

What goes wrong in Chemsex treatments? -01-



Hans, what things do you think are important when we talk about treatment for “chemsex” problems?
Quite a topic, that deserves way more attention than it gets (in my view). Because the ‘closed-minded’ approach that I often see around me gives (in my opinion) rather violent unwanted results.

Continue reading “What goes wrong in Chemsex treatments? -01-“

Relationship drama due to Gottman’s “Four Horsemen”


Hans, I heard about the four horsemen in relationships… What is that?
Dr. John Gottman’s “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” are 4 ways of interacting between partners that cause a lot of relationship drama if this happens regularly. They are: Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt and Stonewalling.
While most relationships will have some of these, healthy relationships don’t use them often and do more to repair them when they were accidentally used.

Continue reading “Relationship drama due to Gottman’s “Four Horsemen””

How Do I Find a Dominant Partner (in a Good Way)?



“Hans, I am a hetero guy, aware of my submissive BDSM-feelings. What would be the best way to find a nice play-partner who has dominant feelings? I do encounter people online -and before corona, I went to a club once-, but I never took the step to ask a Domme/Mistress if she would like it to get to know each other a little better.”

Dating in the BDSM-scene

Reader Question:

Dear Reader,
When you start out as a ‘BDSM-er’, you obviously have the complete fantasy of your role when you step into this scene. We all step into this trap: as a right-minded slave/sub – Dom/Master person, shouldn’t I be more ‘subbish’/’Domly’ when I approach a possible partner?

Especially when I am a slave: “can I just go to a Dom(me) and tell this ‘D’ that I am attracted??”

Well, if you’re a really good slave: of course you don’t!😉

Spoken in a really DomlyDom deep voice…

Please remember that this is utterly B.S.!
If you’re only your sub-role, and you should wait nicely to see if the lady feels like giving you any attention (unless you happen to be a really bratty sub) and you ‘should’ wait for the dominant to pick you… Let me tell you: by doing so, there is a large chance that you’ll be waiting for a very very long time.

Because, unless you have a truly godlike body, the D-type might not approach you at all, they might not notice how you yearning for their attention. How should they know what kind of a wonderful sub you actually could be (Oh, and by the way, if you do have this godlike body, they might still not approach you because they might be a little intimidated about your appearance. Doms are people too.)

Don’t take two steps at the same time

So, the best way to find a nice partner in the BDSM-scene….is not that much different from the rest of the dating world: show that you’re an attractive partner! Talk about your interests and be helpful, ask for their interests in life (not just their wishes in the sexual realm). Pose questions about things you’re not sure about (yet) as a starter with a smile on your face. You are not dumb, you are a newbie! Ask about the way people got into the scene themselves. People -and definitely Dom(me)s also, like to talk about themselves. So ask interesting questions. Be active in discussions and the social life surrounding your contact. Show that you are not needy and that you know how to enjoy your life… and that a partner could possibly mean that you would enjoy your life even more.

So, at first, you need a level of establishing equal contact before both of you each decide for yourselves if you want to play the roles that you both fantasise about.


When you are in clubs, ask questions to the people you like to get to know. And there are always things to do, ask them if you can help out to improve their evening (whether they are subs, doms, males, females, employees or guests). Because: the more people you know, the more people who can introduce you to someone who is looking for someone like you.
And of course, it is always a little scary to make contact with people, because you never know upfront how someone will react to your offer or question. That’s why we call it “contact” and not a role(playing game)… Contact is always a bit unsure. Contact takes place on an equal level… and may lead to all kind of roleplay. But that’s for later 😉.

A bit of Preparation

And -if someone suddenly asks you really Domly “what’s your story?”- then it’s useful to have done a little preparation beforehand.
Have your needs and wants (and nice-to-haves) clear in your mind. So you can answer what you (now as a starter) think you might want.
As I often say, have three answers prepared:

The one sentence is your place in the BDSM-array that you aspire to. Pick and choose from Rope bunny, Fetishist, Discipline, Submissive maybe even Degradee and Masochist) with a few extra words whether you are experienced or not.
The short story is the one-sentence and why that would be of interest to the listener (the D-that poses the question). And the whole story will come out piece by piece during something that is called a conversation amongst equal persons.
  • The one-sentence which says it all,
  • the short story with the main exciting fantasies, and
  • the whole story with all its juicy (and gory) details

This way, you at least have something to say when someone asks you about what excites you. You often see that beginners only have “the whole story” ready when someone asks them a short question. And that can turn a little ‘awkward’ real fast when someone suddenly has to listen to an entire monologue just because they happened to ask you “what are you into?”

Even if your contact, from that moment, will be a contact where you are a 24/7 submissive… until that moment, you’re equal as just two people with an equal minded hobby/interest/kink/lifestyle.


There is an equal conversation that might lead up to a point where you both decide you both want to continue your contact waaaay less equal from thereon. 😉
But only take that bridge when you’ve gotten there…

Would you like to discuss this (online) with a neutral person who doesn’t think fetishes are strange? And get some more pointers?
You know where to find me! (spoiler alert: the contact-page)

So, also as a good sub…happy hunting! 😉



If you’d like to contact about this, go to the Contact-page*
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BDSM/Fetish – infatuation


My partner opened our relationship to give me room to explore my BDSM-feelings. And I have met my D-type last month and now I am seriously doubting wether to continue my vanilla relationship?
Being ‘in looove‘ is a wonderful feeling. It is a strong feeling, not to be messed with, and it is an emotion that is kinda hard to stay rational about. Of course, there is no way I can give a conclusive answer to this question. But I think it is an excelent reason to talk about “BDSM-infatuation”. An emotion not so much geared to a person but rather to a lifestyle.Continue reading “BDSM/Fetish – infatuation”

A rant about ‘breaking’ subs


I’m going to take you apart… and leave you broken

Just a small Rant about those domly Dom’s that state: “I will break you apart… And then rebuild you as I please”

Sounds nice but it is stupid!
Let me explain why:

Continue reading “A rant about ‘breaking’ subs”

Chemsex: addiction & dependence


I hear you help people that are having problems with chemsex?
Could you say more about that, please?
Sure! have talked about the subject before on our ‘Kinky Talks’ (English) that I do with our fab Adalberto. We’ve talked about it in our Tabootalks’ (Dutch). And I’ll talk about it on Sunday of the Mister International Rubber (MIR) convention in Chicago (alas, online from Amsterdam) 😉 Continue reading “Chemsex: addiction & dependence”

HEUTE (an art project with a cause)


HEUTE enters the world disguised as PORNO STORE, a faux multimedia sex shop located in imaginary cyberspace. PORNO STORE exists only to start conversations about sex and sex workers in mind-opening ways. PORNO STORE delves into the cyber-reality of sex working in times of Covid-19, SESTA, and FOSTA while opening discussions on how to protect those who bravely sell the most consumed product of modern society: sex.

Continue reading “HEUTE (an art project with a cause)”
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