The “BDSM is therapeutic”-discussion

BDSM/Kink

Question:

Do you think that bdsm can help through difficult emotional times in your life? How can it help me emotionally?
Answer:
Questions like this always spark the discussion “is BDSM therapeutic?” and “Could there be BDSM-therapy?”
Even tho a lot of laymen would want to stand in the shadow of good old Freud, my answer is always rather pragmatic

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Question: A real dominant doesn’t fuck on first dates, right?

BDSM/Dating

Question:
Some dude is messaging me about meeting me and wanting to get laid. I told him a real dominant doesn’t jump right into bed with someone first meet. Now he’s complaining it’s a bit of a train journey “just for a drink”. Is this in my head or am I right?
Answer:
oh… first… I really do think your “a real dominant does… (or does not)” is a bit of a misconception.

The #MeToo and #BalanceTonCochon hashtags and what we can learn from kinky men

following the #MeToo hashtag

Alyssa Milano

Alyssa Milano’s #MeToo action shows how many women have experienced sexual transgressions in their life. And no, that’s not just a little whistling on the street. And no, that’s not innocent because that insecurity does things with a mind.
If we dare to look, we’ll see that it is normal that more women have experienced this than not … what does that mean to the women with which we live together? What does it mean for their courage to be sexually daring in this society? Their freedom to enjoy sex…And what does this all mean to us as men? What can we learn from the men who embraced kinky sex?

An essay on Breast Safety

Sex (hard)/BDSM

Question:

S asks: I do like to be treated roughly during sex and my friend and I are really into BDSM. He likes to sometimes hit my breasts and I do enjoy that very much. But it sometimes worries me, Breasts are rather tender, aren’t they?
Should I be worried?
Answer:
“Nos” or “Yo”… 😉 both yes and no… It is true that breasts are of relatively tender material. And you can certainly destroy tissues if you handle ’em to rough. That goes for buttocks, that goes for legs and shoulders and that also goes for breasts. And it seems that repeated pointy mini-trauma (underwires of bra’s that are too small poking in the side of your breast) and does a long duration of pressure creating tissue hypoxia (push-up bras) seem to tend to up the chances of tissue proliferation a little. On the other hand, if we take a closer look at the harsh things babies do, then breast seem to be made to take a pounding.

The power of the submissive, the need of the Dom(me)

BDSM

Question:

Hans, how come that i can feel so strong after I have been submitting myself to my Dom? I don’t understand the dynamic between me, a victim of his Lust. So why do I feel strong instead of weak? What is my strength as a victim?
Answer:
‘Victims’ actually have a lot of power. Just watch the TV. Nowadays the ‘victim’ actually has a lot of power in the media. A lot of discussions on fetlife are about people who got victimised in a BDSM-relationship. And that raises shit-storms, sometimes without knowing what really happened. It happens, for shure (and don’t let that happen to you). And Dom(me)s get abused too, or depleted of energy. And often the one presenting like a victim gets the most attention… Often correct… sometimes it’s just the power of a victim.

A present for a bondage lover #NoMassacrePlease

BDSM

Question:

I would really like to buy a nice “safety knife” for the birthday of a friend who is crazy about bondage. You know to cut ropes if needed…
Do you also have a tip for me what to look for?
Answer:
In my opinion, you really find beautiful knives with money in (expensive) shops or with a bit of luck (for example in France along the highway)
BUT more importantly … I’d like warn against creating a massacre !!!

To get rid of a bondage fast, a knife is NOT useful!

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Knives and bondages

Just think about it a little. When are you going to cut your expensive rope?…
You really do this in emergency situations only. Where you don’t have time or when you’re just too nervous to loosen knots … and then you would start poke with a nicely sharpened knife between corded ropes to cut … you see the massacre that potentially would give?
Or, at such a moment, you may find that should not try to do it that way. And in a slight panic you start to saw on that rope from the outside…. But while doing that and that moment you have sawed through that corded rope, so that this is just cut-rope springs away releasing the tension on the meat that was held back by the rope… straight into the cutting edge of your knife!
Those are gifts that are more fun to give than to actually use 😀

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A better idea is …

Less spectacular of course, but you may better have a sharp bandage scissor … with such a nice blunt tip that makes it easy for you to get under the bondage without cutting the skin. Or you can also buy a sharp (!) Garden scissors. One way up with a bend that can easily come under the bondage without pricking into the skin …
This would allow you to quickly cut a rope around the neck when a bondage has been slipped away and reached the neck during a suspension (these are the moments of bondage cutting ). That’s what the scissors need to be around and you really have less of a knife.

A other gift idea is perhaps a receipt for a workshop bondage for beginners * or a piece of good rope* or soms inspirational pics of bondage for the wall or on a T-shirt* . Or an advanced Course* so that you also get to know another style of bondage.

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PS .. OK, I stand corrected

To make sure sure that I’m not writing bullshit, I went to “Old man” (Damstreet in A’dam)* today (always a pleasure to snuggle around IRL again) and what is it I see: there is a trend in which knives start to come with a bondage cutting ‘hook’ that is useful for hooking under and cutting bondage rope. But do pay attention!
In another shop, I also saw something similar, but there that knife had such a small hook that it could not fit a 6mm bondage rope, so it could not be cut without starting to yank on that rope heavily. Furthermore, a good scissor has the advantage that you do not have to pull on the ropes as to cut them. The other windings won’t be tightened by the rigger pulling on one of the turns.

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But… What about love in BDSM?

BDSM

If we talk about a “triangle of love” in the BDSM-scene, most people think of a threesome, or of bondage-patterns over naked skin. Understandable but it kinda adds to the view that “those BDSM-kinda-people are not really capable of love” (Yes I know some relationship therapists still have this outdated view, even tho there is no scientific evidence to back that up… au contraire by the way!).
So I thought it a good idea to talk a bit about love in BDSM-relationships.

Credits to Rihanna: Disturbia

I want to have my own slavegirl… what are my rights?

BDSM

Question:

on Being a Dom(me)

Victor Cobo – a Mouth in a Glory hole-

Hi Hans,
I want a slavegirl who does what I say. How do I find a woman to submit to my every whim? And I want to give her to friends to fuck and shit.
But what if she does not want to what I want, what are my rights as a Dominant?
Answer:
Ooookay… First to be said: I have exactly the same fantasy. So no judgement here about your fantasies. And I do really hope that you’ll get to live your fantasies and I write this answer to help you get there.
But… there is a small thing that often stands between us and our fantasies and often that is a word that starts with an “r” (and ends with “eality”) 😉

Negotation or agreement (in BDSM or kink-play)

BDSM & Swinging

Question:

I hear about negotiation all the time. What should I negotiate and what should I get from these negotiations? And how do I prevent us from talking the fun to death?

Answer:
Personally, I am not too fond of the use of the word “negotiation” in relationships and (BDSM)play situations. It is very often promoted as the good thing to do before any play, it is the political correct thing to do… even though a lot of people don’t.

More about “sexual polarities”… (9 questions)

Consider your sexual polarities

Question:

I’ve talked about the sexual polarities before (see here*). People liked a little more explanation with this so: this time a post with a little bit more text for you to be able to get a better feel for the options in play.

Of course these are just very crude polarities, for every axis of BDSM has it’s own paradoxical aspects. I’d love to submit to you and be degraded by you but I’d totally want to be respected in doing so. I’d like to smack you and perhaps even see you cry because I really care for you and your masochism. I really want to be shackled and bound so that I won’t have any possibilities to withstand those evil sexual kicks of my partner and I am left really no other choice but enjoying them immensely 🙂