The “BDSM is therapeutic”-discussion

BDSM/Kink

Question:


Do you think that bdsm can help through difficult emotional times in your life? How can it help me emotionally?
Answer:
Questions like this always spark the discussion “is BDSM therapeutic?” and “Could there be BDSM-therapy?”
Even tho a lot of laymen would want to stand in the shadow of good old Freud, my answer is always rather pragmatic
Continue reading The “BDSM is therapeutic”-discussion

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Question: A real dominant doesn’t fuck on first dates, right?

BDSM/Dating

Question:
Some dude is messaging me about meeting me and wanting to get laid. I told him a real dominant doesn’t jump right into bed with someone first meet. Now he’s complaining it’s a bit of a train journey “just for a drink”. Is this in my head or am I right?
Answer:
oh… first… I really do think your “a real dominant does… (or does not)” is a bit of a misconception. Continue reading Question: A real dominant doesn’t fuck on first dates, right?

How to get your Self out of the Binge-and-Purge Cycle?

General

http://sarahhaney.comQuestion:
How can I get myself out of this binging purging cycle where I indulge in my fetish and have a blast. But during my purging, I really reject this side of my personality and throw away all of my gear. How can I prevent the purges or the binging?

Answer:
Binging and Purging a nasty cycle that seems to continue forever (and often downhill). There is a lot of writing about this in bulimia nervosa-literature but you also can notice this cycle in drug-dependence and -addiction and I also have often seen it in the lives of people trying to integrate kink into their life.
Continue reading How to get your Self out of the Binge-and-Purge Cycle?

Why? (am i Kinky)

Sexuality

Question:
Why am I a kinkster? Why have I developed this kink?Why do I like ageplay, do I like to be hit, do like to hit?.. What happened in my life that I love more than one, that I love latex, leather, diapers, different sex?
Answer:
It is a question often posed by kinkster – especially in the beginning of their self-acceptance).
Continue reading Why? (am i Kinky)

The #MeToo and #BalanceTonCochon hashtags and what we can learn from kinky men

following the #MeToo hashtag
Alyssa Milano
Alyssa Milano

Alyssa Milano’s #MeToo action shows how many women have experienced sexual transgressions in their life. And no, that’s not just a little whistling on the street. And no, that’s not innocent because that insecurity does things with a mind.
If we dare to look, we’ll see that it is normal that more women have experienced this than not … what does that mean to the women with which we live together? What does it mean for their courage to be sexually daring in this society? Their freedom to enjoy sex…And what does this all mean to us as men? What can we learn from the men who embraced kinky sex?
Continue reading The #MeToo and #BalanceTonCochon hashtags and what we can learn from kinky men

11/10 – a closet is no place to live!

General

Out of the Closet?

Getting out of the closet requires courage… every time again
Not rarely, people, with or without a relationship, have trouble finding out their “other than usual sexuality.” And to me, that seems only logical in a society that is so closed-minded to its own sexuality that everything different is immediately being condemned.
I help people find their own level of opening up. Continue reading 11/10 – a closet is no place to live!

The power of the submissive, the need of the Dom(me)

BDSM

Question:

Hans, how come that i can feel so strong after I have been submitting myself to my Dom? I don’t understand the dynamic between me, a victim of his Lust. So why do I feel strong instead of weak? What is my strength as a victim?
Answer:
‘Victims’ actually have a lot of power. Just watch the TV. Nowadays the ‘victim’ actually has a lot of power in the media. A lot of discussions on fetlife are about people who got victimised in a BDSM-relationship. And that raises shit-storms, sometimes without knowing what really happened. It happens, for shure (and don’t let that happen to you). And Dom(me)s get abused too, or depleted of energy. And often the one presenting like a victim gets the most attention… Often correct… sometimes it’s just the power of a victim.
Continue reading The power of the submissive, the need of the Dom(me)

the Narcisistic fracture of ‘Domlyhood’ (a good thing)

the feelings of Dom(me)s: the Narcisistic fracture of my Domlyhood

A stern Domly face
A gorilla with a stern Domly face 😉

Us Dom(me)s… especially the male ones amybe, we don’t really like to talk much about feelings. Especially our own feelings are often a bit ‘off limit’ for others to adres during play. We act, we demand, we look stern and maybe approve but mostly we are not too candid about vulnerable feelings.
And then of course there are always posts on discussion fora or remarks from some good teachers in BDSM-stuff that will teach you about that horrific “C”-word… communication.
And actually they make sense. So here I would like to mention some “Dom(me)-feelings” you could encounter and to talk about amongst each other, or with your playpartner(s).
Here: the Doubt Continue reading the Narcisistic fracture of ‘Domlyhood’ (a good thing)

But… What about love in BDSM?

BDSM

If we talk about a “triangle of love” in the BDSM-scene, most people think of a threesome, or of bondage-patterns over naked skin. Understandable but it kinda adds to the view that “those BDSM-kinda-people are not really capable of love” (Yes I know some relationship therapists still have this outdated view, even tho there is no scientific evidence to back that up… au contraire by the way!).
So I thought it a good idea to talk a bit about love in BDSM-relationships.

Continue reading But… What about love in BDSM?

I want to have my own slavegirl… what are my rights?

Victor Cobo - a Mouth in a Glory hole-

BDSM

Question:

on Being a Dom(me)

Victor Cobo - a Mouth in a Glory hole-
Victor Cobo – a Mouth in a Glory hole-

Hi Hans,
I want a slavegirl who does what I say. How do I find a woman to submit to my every whim? And I want to give her to friends to fuck and shit.
But what if she does not want to what I want, what are my rights as a Dominant?
Answer:
Ooookay… First to be said: I have exactly the same fantasy. So no judgement here about your fantasies. And I do really hope that you’ll get to live your fantasies and I write this answer to help you get there.
But… there is a small thing that often stands between us and our fantasies and often that is a word that starts with an “r” (and ends with “eality”) 😉
Continue reading I want to have my own slavegirl… what are my rights?