11/10 – a closet is no place to live!

General

Out of the Closet?

Getting out of the closet requires courage… every time again
Not rarely, people, with or without a relationship, have trouble finding out their “other than usual sexuality.” And to me, that seems only logical in a society that is so closed-minded to its own sexuality that everything different is immediately being condemned.
I help people find their own level of opening up. Continue reading 11/10 – a closet is no place to live!

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The power of the submissive, the need of the Dom(me)

BDSM

Question:

Hans, how come that i can feel so strong after I have been submitting myself to my Dom? I don’t understand the dynamic between me, a victim of his Lust. So why do I feel strong instead of weak? What is my strength as a victim?
Answer:
‘Victims’ actually have a lot of power. Just watch the TV. Nowadays the ‘victim’ actually has a lot of power in the media. A lot of discussions on fetlife are about people who got victimised in a BDSM-relationship. And that raises shit-storms, sometimes without knowing what really happened. It happens, for shure (and don’t let that happen to you). And Dom(me)s get abused too, or depleted of energy. And often the one presenting like a victim gets the most attention… Often correct… sometimes it’s just the power of a victim.
Continue reading The power of the submissive, the need of the Dom(me)

the Narcisistic fracture of ‘Domlyhood’ (a good thing)

the feelings of Dom(me)s: the Narcisistic fracture of my Domlyhood

A stern Domly face
A gorilla with a stern Domly face 😉

Us Dom(me)s… especially the male ones amybe, we don’t really like to talk much about feelings. Especially our own feelings are often a bit ‘off limit’ for others to adres during play. We act, we demand, we look stern and maybe approve but mostly we are not too candid about vulnerable feelings.
And then of course there are always posts on discussion fora or remarks from some good teachers in BDSM-stuff that will teach you about that horrific “C”-word… communication.
And actually they make sense. So here I would like to mention some “Dom(me)-feelings” you could encounter and to talk about amongst each other, or with your playpartner(s).
Here: the Doubt Continue reading the Narcisistic fracture of ‘Domlyhood’ (a good thing)

But… What about love in BDSM?

BDSM

If we talk about a “triangle of love” in the BDSM-scene, most people think of a threesome, or of bondage-patterns over naked skin. Understandable but it kinda adds to the view that “those BDSM-kinda-people are not really capable of love” (Yes I know some relationship therapists still have this outdated view, even tho there is no scientific evidence to back that up… au contraire by the way!).
So I thought it a good idea to talk a bit about love in BDSM-relationships.

Continue reading But… What about love in BDSM?

I want to have my own slavegirl… what are my rights?

Victor Cobo - a Mouth in a Glory hole-

BDSM

Question:

on Being a Dom(me)

Victor Cobo - a Mouth in a Glory hole-
Victor Cobo – a Mouth in a Glory hole-

Hi Hans,
I want a slavegirl who does what I say. How do I find a woman to submit to my every whim? And I want to give her to friends to fuck and shit.
But what if she does not want to what I want, what are my rights as a Dominant?
Answer:
Ooookay… First to be said: I have exactly the same fantasy. So no judgement here about your fantasies. And I do really hope that you’ll get to live your fantasies and I write this answer to help you get there.
But… there is a small thing that often stands between us and our fantasies and often that is a word that starts with an “r” (and ends with “eality”) 😉
Continue reading I want to have my own slavegirl… what are my rights?

Negotation or agreement (in BDSM or kink-play)

BDSM & Swinging

Question:

kinkawarecoach_negotiation-or-agreementI hear about negotiation all the time. What should I negotiate and what should I get from these negotiations? And how do I prevent us from talking the fun to death?

Answer:
Personally, I am not too fond of the use of the word “negotiation” in relationships and (BDSM)play situations. It is very often promoted as the good thing to do before any play, it is the political correct thing to do… even though a lot of people don’t.
Continue reading Negotation or agreement (in BDSM or kink-play)

More about “sexual polarities”… (9 questions)

Consider your sexual polarities

Question:

kinkawarecoach_elizabeth-de-bold-com-ballet-balance
I’ve talked about the sexual polarities before (see here*). People liked a little more explanation with this so: this time a post with a little bit more text for you to be able to get a better feel for the options in play.

Of course these are just very crude polarities, for every axis of BDSM has it’s own paradoxical aspects. I’d love to submit to you and be degraded by you but I’d totally want to be respected in doing so. I’d like to smack you and perhaps even see you cry because I really care for you and your masochism. I really want to be shackled and bound so that I won’t have any possibilities to withstand those evil sexual kicks of my partner and I am left really no other choice but enjoying them immensely 🙂
Continue reading More about “sexual polarities”… (9 questions)

Sexual polarities to understand the Kinks of your relationship

Consider your sexual polarities

Question:

kinkawarecoach_elizabeth-de-bold-com-ballet-balance
I’d like to understand the kicks of my partner… / I’d like to come out of the closet to my partner… / I’d like to converse about my kicks…
…but I don’t know where to start.
Answer:
If you see certain aspects of sexuality in their polarity you could use that as a good start for conversations such as the ones mentioned in the ‘question’.
Continue reading Sexual polarities to understand the Kinks of your relationship

My boyfriend lets me date another… #panic!

MyHeartIsStrongerQuestion: My boyfriend said that she was happy for me that I can experiment with my submissive feelings. We tried and he’s not into BDSM and we agreed that I am allowed to “find my master”… no limits… He says he is fine with that and I really really want to believe him, but it is almost unbelievable to me!
Answer: Now that is what we call “Compersion” (a.k.a. “Frubble”) and it is a scary feeling if you haven’t experienced it much in your life. Compersive feelings are positive loving feelings one can feel towards a partner (and perhaps even toward the “partner’s partner”) Continue reading My boyfriend lets me date another… #panic!

Venting or Gossiping: What’s the difference?

Sexuality

This is actually a question that was part of a conversation…. But the answer to this question seems more interesting than the (rhetorical) question in itself…

KinkAwareCoach-UndercurrentQuestion: if I talk with my sisters about my partner, that helps me to get the things of my chest, right?
Answer: “Yo”.. (or “Nes”… meaning Yes-or-No depending on the way you do it.

Yes, trying to press away emotions in your heart is probably not the best way to find emotional health.
But there is a big difference between “venting” and “gossip”. Continue reading Venting or Gossiping: What’s the difference?