Relating and your Brainstem

Relating in Relationships (Post-Valentine Thoughts) If we understand our brain stem as an important function in our information processing, that helps to make wiser choices for our relationships. In the ‘polyvagal theory’, things are clearer to understand. If we truly understand our -lower, more animalistic- information-processing level, we can understand how we will see the

Kinky Talks: The Psychology of kinks

Sexuality/BDSM/Fetish Question: What does psychotherapy have to do with BDSM? We aren’t sick right? Answer: Right! Still I think it was really really interesting to listen to Karina Kehlet Lins, an international clinical psychologist, systemic psychotherapist, sex therapist, university lecturer and author of several books. Karina gave a presentation in our 25th Kinky Talk that

Negotation or agreement? (in BDSM or swinging)

Sexuality/BDSM Question:I hear about negotiation all the time. What should I negotiate and what should I get from these negotiations? And how do I prevent us from talking fun to death?Answer:Personally, I am not too fond of the use of the word “negotiation” in relationships and (BDSM)play situations. It is very often promoted as the

Relationship drama due to Gottman’s “Four Horsemen”

General Question:Hans, I heard about the four horsemen in relationships… What is that? Answer:Dr. John Gottman’s “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” are 4 ways of interacting between partners that cause a lot of relationship drama if this happens regularly. They are: Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt and Stonewalling.While most relationships will have some of these, healthy

BDSM/Fetish – infatuation

BDSM/Fetish Question: My partner opened our relationship to give me room to explore my BDSM-feelings. And I have met my D-type last month and now I am seriously doubting wether to continue my vanilla relationship? Answer: Being ‘in looove‘ is a wonderful feeling. It is a strong feeling, not to be messed with, and it

Having difficult conversations… (incl. the 5% rule)

(Relationship) conversations Having difficult talks with a positive outcome… Not an easy feature.I often give the following list to people who have to have difficult conversations in a relationship under pressure (a love relationship, a working relationship, a friendship relationship or a therapy relationship).This list is therefore also useful for coaches / therapists (not only

Female sex and the duality within BDSM

Sexuality/BDSM Why BDSM?In a society where on the one hand we try to sell everything with sex and on the other hand, we try to deny our sexuality, especially the female sexuality, it is not really surprising that reading material such as “fifty shades” gets so popular so suddenly. Materialism (real Dominants have their own

Why? (am i Kinky)

Sexuality Question: Why am I a kinkster? Why have I developed this kink?Why do I like ageplay, do I like to be hit, do like to hit?.. What happened in my life that I love more than one, that I love latex, leather, diapers, different sex? Answer: It is a question often posed by kinkster –

11/10 – a closet is no place to live!

General Out of the Closet? Getting out of the closet requires courage… every time again Not rarely, people, with or without a relationship, have trouble finding out their “other than usual sexuality.” And to me, that seems only logical in a society that is so closed-minded to its own sexuality that everything different is immediately

The power of the submissive, the need of the Dom(me)

BDSM Question: Hans, how come that i can feel so strong after I have been submitting myself to my Dom? I don’t understand the dynamic between me, a victim of his Lust. So why do I feel strong instead of weak? What is my strength as a victim? Answer: ‘Victims’ actually have a lot of

the Narcisistic fracture of ‘Domlyhood’ (a good thing)

the feelings of Dom(me)s: the Narcisistic fracture of my Domlyhood Us Dom(me)s… especially the male ones amybe, we don’t really like to talk much about feelings. Especially our own feelings are often a bit ‘off limit’ for others to adres during play. We act, we demand, we look stern and maybe approve but mostly we

But… What about love in BDSM?

BDSM If we talk about a “triangle of love” in the BDSM-scene, most people think of a threesome, or of bondage-patterns over naked skin. Understandable but it kinda adds to the view that “those BDSM-kinda-people are not really capable of love” (Yes I know some relationship therapists still have this outdated view, even tho there

I want to have my own slavegirl… what are my rights?

BDSM Question: on Being a Dom(me) Hi Hans, I want a slavegirl who does what I say. How do I find a woman to submit to my every whim? And I want to give her to friends to fuck and shit. But what if she does not want to what I want, what are my

BDSM-relations: The cake model

Sexuality/BDSM/General/Fetish Question: Of course, as a Kink Aware Relationship Coach, you get questions about 24/7 BDSM relationships that turned sour. Answer: Let me try to give some answers (especially for beginners).

Negotation or agreement (in BDSM or kink-play)

BDSM & Swinging Question: I hear about negotiation all the time. What should I negotiate and what should I get from these negotiations? And how do I prevent us from talking the fun to death? Answer: Personally, I am not too fond of the use of the word “negotiation” in relationships and (BDSM)play situations. It

More about “sexual polarities”… (9 questions)

Consider your sexual polarities Question: I’ve talked about the sexual polarities before (see here*). People liked a little more explanation with this so: this time a post with a little bit more text for you to be able to get a better feel for the options in play. Of course these are just very crude

Sexual polarities to understand the Kinks of your relationship

Consider your sexual polarities Question: I’d like to understand the kicks of my partner… / I’d like to come out of the closet to my partner… / I’d like to converse about my kicks… …but I don’t know where to start. Answer: If you see certain aspects of sexuality in their polarity you could use

My boyfriend lets me date another… #panic!

Question: My boyfriend said that she was happy for me that I can experiment with my submissive feelings. We tried and he’s not into BDSM and we agreed that I am allowed to “find my master”… no limits… He says he is fine with that and I really really want to believe him, but it

Venting or Gossiping: What’s the difference?

Sexuality This is actually a question that was part of a conversation…. But the answer to this question seems more interesting than the (rhetorical) question in itself… Question: if I talk with my sisters about my partner, that helps me to get the things of my chest, right? Answer: “Yo”.. (or “Nes”… meaning Yes-or-No depending on the

Polyamory: do I start mono and open up or do I start poly?

Question: Should we start with a monogamous relationship before we open our relationship or should we start poly? -Ann- There are 2 levels of answering to this question # Answer 1 (theoretical): All over all it does not make much difference.

Now what is that “compersion” thing in #Polyamory?

(Relationship) Shizzle Question: Now what is this “compersion” thing? Answer: Compersion (or “Frubble”) is a positive loving feeling you feel towards your partner (and perhaps even toward your partners partner) when you see or hear your partner enjoying things he/she does with someone else. It is more or less the opposite of jealousy (even tho