Relating and your Brainstem

Relating in Relationships (Post-Valentine Thoughts) If we understand our brain stem as an important function in our information processing, that helps to make wiser choices for our relationships. In the ‘polyvagal theory’, things are clearer to understand. If we truly understand our -lower, more animalistic- information-processing level, we can understand how we will see the

The Meantime Parties ’23-’24

Sometimes people ask me when the all-gender Meantime parties are. So here is the long-term plan(!). Of course, we reserve the right to be fickle. So no rights can be derived from this post 😀

Gadhā Armour Release

cultural appropriation I am an experienced Gadhā Release Therapist  The Gadhā Release Therapy (G.R.T.)Because of the energetic properties of the fingers, we can only find a superficial release by using the hand. So using the lingam is advised to produce a more deepened and profound repeated release of energy and a deeply experienced emotional release of

Monkeypox and Sexparties

Monkeypox and Sexparties update July’22 Monkeypox is a disease from a virus that isn’t really airborne but gets (most likely) spread by rubbing skin to skin, or by infected skin cells that still lay around somewhere after they were rubbed off the tiny scabs from former lesions. So if we meet our friends at Pride…

Policies around abuse in parties

I got a Question lately:Dear Hans,I’m X, I’m organizing XXX. We recently received a report for the first time about abuse (inside/outside) our party. That is why we are asking various organizers about their policies. Someone told me that you were very helpful to them.Do you have any tips or information that we can use

Kinky Talks: talking about HIV (not ‘just a gay thing’)

Sexuality Answer:It is important to talk about STDs and not think of HIV as ‘just a gay thing’. I do think that the information from Kinky Talk #27 is important for every kinkster, male and female alike. In this talk we had several HIV+ guests that talked openly and shared tips. Like: Know your status

I can’t go to a Kinky Club with THIS body!!!

Fetish Question:Let’s be clear. For a lot of people, it is a really healing experience to go out to a kinky club or a fetish club for a night of debauchery and fun. Where people like you would have enjoyed your (MFX) ‘dad-bod’ tummy, your kind smile, your hands, your long skinny legs and your

Kinky Talks: The Psychology of kinks

Sexuality/BDSM/Fetish Question: What does psychotherapy have to do with BDSM? We aren’t sick right? Answer: Right! Still I think it was really really interesting to listen to Karina Kehlet Lins, an international clinical psychologist, systemic psychotherapist, sex therapist, university lecturer and author of several books. Karina gave a presentation in our 25th Kinky Talk that

Letting my fetishist partner experiment if I won’t join the fetish action anymore?

Sexuality/Fetish Question:Do I have to let my fetishist partner experiment if I won’t join the fetish action anymore? Will I otherwise lose him to kink/fetish secrets? How do I know how strong it is in him? Is the urge stronger than love?Answer:That is debatable… a debate that should be held, I guess… For only time

Negotation or agreement? (in BDSM or swinging)

Sexuality/BDSM Question:I hear about negotiation all the time. What should I negotiate and what should I get from these negotiations? And how do I prevent us from talking fun to death?Answer:Personally, I am not too fond of the use of the word “negotiation” in relationships and (BDSM)play situations. It is very often promoted as the

Kinky Talk Chemsex treatment? -03b-

Sexuality/Drugs In our Kinky Talks (nr. 24) too we did talk about different aspects of “chemsex”?It might double-up the texts here and there but the Powerpoint might be an addition to the previous posts. Chemsex

What goes wrong in Chemsex treatments? -02-

Sexuality/Drugs Let’s talk about the ‘botttom’-aspects of “chemsex” problems? About our ideas of what should be possible and our self image.Let’s have a bit of a look at porn. And how to enjoy it better.

What goes wrong in Chemsex treatments? -01-

Let’s talk about treatments for “chemsex”. Because the ‘closed-minded’ approach that I often see around me gives (in my opinion) rather violent unwanted results

Relationship drama due to Gottman’s “Four Horsemen”

General Question:Hans, I heard about the four horsemen in relationships… What is that? Answer:Dr. John Gottman’s “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” are 4 ways of interacting between partners that cause a lot of relationship drama if this happens regularly. They are: Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt and Stonewalling.While most relationships will have some of these, healthy

How Do I Find a Dominant Partner (in a Good Way)?

BDSM Question: “Hans, I am a hetero guy, aware of my submissive BDSM-feelings. What would be the best way to find a nice play-partner who has dominant feelings? I do encounter people online -and before corona, I went to a club once-, but I never took the step to ask a Domme/Mistress if she would

BDSM/Fetish – infatuation

BDSM/Fetish Question: My partner opened our relationship to give me room to explore my BDSM-feelings. And I have met my D-type last month and now I am seriously doubting wether to continue my vanilla relationship? Answer: Being ‘in looove‘ is a wonderful feeling. It is a strong feeling, not to be messed with, and it

A rant about ‘breaking’ subs

BDSM Opinion:Just a small Rant about those domly Dom’s that state: “I will break you apart… And then rebuild you as I please”… Sounds nice but it is só stupid!Let me explain why:

Chemsex: addiction & dependence

Sexuality Question: I hear you help people that are having problems with chemsex? Could you say more about that, please? Answer: Sure! have talked about the subject before on our ‘Kinky Talks’ (English) that I do with our fab Adalberto. We’ve talked about it in our ‘Tabootalks’ (Dutch). And I’ll talk about it on Sunday

Kink has always been political and has always had political consequences

Let me be clear: black lives matter to me. And there is no “but” following that statement. Being a white old fart myself, black lives matter to me and that is exactly why I am worried about the conversations I read on facebook where people from the “Black lives matter” movement are turning more and

Having difficult conversations… (incl. the 5% rule)

(Relationship) conversations Having difficult talks with a positive outcome… Not an easy feature.I often give the following list to people who have to have difficult conversations in a relationship under pressure (a love relationship, a working relationship, a friendship relationship or a therapy relationship).This list is therefore also useful for coaches / therapists (not only

Relationships end because of… a lack in flexibility

General Question: Can polyamorous relationships last or does polyamory end relationships over time? Answer: The short answer sounds a bit depressing but please do read on, because it is actually really hopeful. The short answer is: Relationships don’t last! They just don’t. Monogamous relationships don’t. Polyamorous relationships don’t. please read on…

Female sex and the duality within BDSM

Sexuality/BDSM Why BDSM?In a society where on the one hand we try to sell everything with sex and on the other hand, we try to deny our sexuality, especially the female sexuality, it is not really surprising that reading material such as “fifty shades” gets so popular so suddenly. Materialism (real Dominants have their own

A post about Sub frenzy that is appreciated best afterward

BDSM Question: What do those beginning subbies think when they enter the scene and deliver themselves hands tied, with health and heart and soul to this Dom(me) they really know nothing about. Answer: Actually, they don’t… Subfrenzy is sooo sexy. It is so cute to look at and it’s so devastating, sometimes. Subfrenzy is the

Healing aspects in BDSM

Sexuality/BDSM/Kink Question: Lately, I am on the interested in healing elements in BDSM. So I am interested in (online) conversations with people that are into BDSM and also have diagnoses like (C)PTSD, depression, autism, AD(H)D etc.etc. (No, I am not interested in the dirty details, NO, I don’t think that ‘BDSM-therapy’ is a good thing.

a Q&A about ABDL with Emma for Bold Pleasures

Fetish Emma and I did an AMA (Ask Me Anything) about ABDL for Bold Pleasures* which I thin is really informative to the general public. We ended up talking for one and a half hours about ABDL with Sonja to clarify things about this growing but often frowned upon fetish. In a world where rappers