Relationship drama due to Gottman’s “Four Horsemen”

General Question:Hans, I heard about the four horsemen in relationships… What is that? Answer:Dr. John Gottman’s “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” are 4 ways of interacting between partners that cause a lot of relationship drama if this happens regularly. They are: Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt and Stonewalling.While most relationships will have some of these, healthyContinue reading “Relationship drama due to Gottman’s “Four Horsemen””

How Do I Find a Dominant Partner (in a Good Way)?

BDSM Question: “Hans, I am a hetero guy, aware of my submissive BDSM-feelings. What would be the best way to find a nice play-partner who has dominant feelings? I do encounter people online -and before corona, I went to a club once-, but I never took the step to ask a Domme/Mistress if she wouldContinue reading “How Do I Find a Dominant Partner (in a Good Way)?”

BDSM/Fetish – infatuation

BDSM/Fetish Question: My partner opened our relationship to give me room to explore my BDSM-feelings. And I have met my D-type last month and now I am seriously doubting wether to continue my vanilla relationship? Answer: Being ‘in looove‘ is a wonderful feeling. It is a strong feeling, not to be messed with, and itContinue reading “BDSM/Fetish – infatuation”

Chemsex: addiction & dependence

Sexuality Question: I hear you help people that are having problems with chemsex? Could you say more about that, please? Answer: Sure! have talked about the subject before on our ‘Kinky Talks’ (English) that I do with our fab Adalberto. We’ve talked about it in our ‘Tabootalks’ (Dutch). And I’ll talk about it on SundayContinue reading “Chemsex: addiction & dependence”

Kink has always been political and has always had political consequences

Let me be clear: black lives matter to me. And there is no “but” following that statement. Being a white old fart myself, black lives matter to me and that is exactly why I am worried about the conversations I read on facebook where people from the “Black lives matter” movement are turning more andContinue reading “Kink has always been political and has always had political consequences”

Having difficult conversations… (incl. the 5% rule)

(Relationship) conversations Having difficult talks with a positive outcome… Not an easy feature.I often give the following list to people who have to have difficult conversations in a relationship under pressure (a love relationship, a working relationship, a friendship relationship or a therapy relationship).This list is therefore also useful for coaches / therapists (not onlyContinue reading “Having difficult conversations… (incl. the 5% rule)”

Relationships end because of… a lack in flexibility

General Question: Can polyamorous relationships last or does polyamory end relationships over time? Answer: The short answer sounds a bit depressing but please do read on, because it is actually really hopeful. The short answer is: Relationships don’t last! They just don’t. Monogamous relationships don’t. Polyamorous relationships don’t. please read on…

Female sex and the duality within BDSM

Sexuality/BDSM Why BDSM?In a society where on the one hand we try to sell everything with sex and on the other hand, we try to deny our sexuality, especially the female sexuality, it is not really surprising that reading material such as “fifty shades” gets so popular so suddenly. Materialism (real Dominants have their ownContinue reading “Female sex and the duality within BDSM”

A post about Sub frenzy that is appreciated best afterward

BDSM Question: What do those beginning subbies think when they enter the scene and deliver themselves hands tied, with health and heart and soul to this Dom(me) they really know nothing about. Answer: Actually, they don’t… Subfrenzy is sooo sexy. It is so cute to look at and it’s so devastating, sometimes. Subfrenzy is theContinue reading “A post about Sub frenzy that is appreciated best afterward”