Relationship drama due to Gottman’s “Four Horsemen”

General Question:Hans, I heard about the four horsemen in relationships… What is that? Answer:Dr. John Gottman’s “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” are 4 ways of interacting between partners that cause a lot of relationship drama if this happens regularly. They are: Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt and Stonewalling.While most relationships will have some of these, healthyContinue reading “Relationship drama due to Gottman’s “Four Horsemen””

BDSM/Fetish – infatuation

BDSM/Fetish Question: My partner opened our relationship to give me room to explore my BDSM-feelings. And I have met my D-type last month and now I am seriously doubting wether to continue my vanilla relationship? Answer: Being ‘in looove‘ is a wonderful feeling. It is a strong feeling, not to be messed with, and itContinue reading “BDSM/Fetish – infatuation”

Kink has always been political and has always had political consequences

Let me be clear: black lives matter to me. And there is no “but” following that statement. Being a white old fart myself, black lives matter to me and that is exactly why I am worried about the conversations I read on facebook where people from the “Black lives matter” movement are turning more andContinue reading “Kink has always been political and has always had political consequences”

Having difficult conversations… (incl. the 5% rule)

(Relationship) conversations Having difficult talks with a positive outcome… Not an easy feature.I often give the following list to people who have to have difficult conversations in a relationship under pressure (a love relationship, a working relationship, a friendship relationship or a therapy relationship).This list is therefore also useful for coaches / therapists (not onlyContinue reading “Having difficult conversations… (incl. the 5% rule)”

Relationships end because of… a lack in flexibility

General Question: Can polyamorous relationships last or does polyamory end relationships over time? Answer: The short answer sounds a bit depressing but please do read on, because it is actually really hopeful. The short answer is: Relationships don’t last! They just don’t. Monogamous relationships don’t. Polyamorous relationships don’t. please read on…

More about “sexual polarities”… (9 questions)

Consider your sexual polarities Question: I’ve talked about the sexual polarities before (see here*). People liked a little more explanation with this so: this time a post with a little bit more text for you to be able to get a better feel for the options in play. Of course these are just very crudeContinue reading “More about “sexual polarities”… (9 questions)”

Remember to embrace the FLUFF (an acronym when talking about sexual whishes)

General Sexuality Question: I am kinda afraid to talk to my lover about the kinky things I find hot. How do I start that conversation about my fetishes? Any ideas? a question I got on FetBuzz* Answer: Embrace the F.L.U.F.F.!… And don’t even try to do this without blushing. It will be awkward and theContinue reading “Remember to embrace the FLUFF (an acronym when talking about sexual whishes)”

My boyfriend lets me date another… #panic!

Question: My boyfriend said that she was happy for me that I can experiment with my submissive feelings. We tried and he’s not into BDSM and we agreed that I am allowed to “find my master”… no limits… He says he is fine with that and I really really want to believe him, but itContinue reading “My boyfriend lets me date another… #panic!”

Venting or Gossiping: What’s the difference?

Sexuality This is actually a question that was part of a conversation…. But the answer to this question seems more interesting than the (rhetorical) question in itself… Question: if I talk with my sisters about my partner, that helps me to get the things of my chest, right? Answer: “Yo”.. (or “Nes”… meaning Yes-or-No depending on theContinue reading “Venting or Gossiping: What’s the difference?”

Now what is that “compersion” thing in #Polyamory?

(Relationship) Shizzle Question: Now what is this “compersion” thing? Answer: Compersion (or “Frubble”) is a positive loving feeling you feel towards your partner (and perhaps even toward your partners partner) when you see or hear your partner enjoying things he/she does with someone else. It is more or less the opposite of jealousy (even thoContinue reading “Now what is that “compersion” thing in #Polyamory?”