Sexuality/Drugs
Let’s talk about the ‘botttom’-aspects of “chemsex” problems? About our ideas of what should be possible and our self image.
Let’s have a bit of a look at porn. And how to enjoy it better.
Chemsex
If your sexuality is different from that so-called ‘normal’, then there are often extra points of attention regarding… substance use. Be welcome (because yes, I’m kink-aware).
What goes wrong in Chemsex treatments?
In the first part of this trilogy we talked more about he ‘porn’-, the ‘friction’-side and the ‘top’ aspects of chemsex and in the third we’ll talk more about the addictive part of chems.
bottom: relaxation and ‘receiving’
Another aspect of having sex is on the ‘bottom’ side, the ‘receiving’ side. Sometimes there are exaggerated expectations of the possibilities that you ‘should’ have as a ‘bottom’ in order to receive what you think is wanted.
Opinions about one’s own role as a bottom (the one receiving the penetration) are regularly based on porn, which immediately leads you to the unholy question of whether porn is ‘bad’ or ‘good’. And I’ll skip that pitfall because there is no right or wrong. Everything can be used right or wrong.
You can use porn as fun and entertainment, nothing wrong with that. You can also use it clumsily as instruction material. And precisely because -as adults in our current shame culture- we give little meaningful and useful information to kids about ways to have sex, this is unfortunately not so incomprehensible and especially common. If the only info about cunnilingus, blowjobs, rimming, anal sex, group sex, et cetera can only be found in porn, then one could say we actively invite children to form their (self)image following the only instructional material: porn.
Explanation that porn actors and actresses are actually quite trained ‘top athletes’ that you don’t just imitate, and that the necessary tips and tricks ‘behind camera’ well are done as preparation but “that you never gets to see”. That is an explanation that I think is important if a child sees the porn that it will eventually see anyway. How hard we as educators may try to prevent that.
What you see in porn is not harmful. If porn is harmful, it’s because you not see things in porn!
So talk about the bloopers, the giggles during sex, the amounts of lube, the cleaning preparations, the erection medication, the actors’ test schedules et cetera.
With topics like this, perhaps more reasonable demands can be placed on the receiving end of sex, the bottoms. More reasonable requirements that do not harm health in the longer term. Knowledge about the health damage of “flushing too much and too often” and the added “susceptibility” to infections that comes with it, the knowledge and skills to prepare yourself with stretching and relaxation exercises, as well as strength exercises to maintain continence and for example, protecting the tissue of the anus when fisting, just to name a few.
the psychological side of the receiving side
Another side is the psychological side of the receiving side.
For example, sometimes completely justified fears about tears and diseases (such as HIV) are ‘expelled’ with substance use so that you can meet the (alleged) ‘demands’ of the peer group. That can are also the demands of ‘predators’ who just try to get what they like: “a ‘real’ sub who can do that!” and other nonsense . Sometimes it’s also hyped teenage stories that have started singing about “what should be possible”.
Solid information that is not always present in the scene is desirable.
There is already a lot of simplification in the existing information, which leads to misunderstandings. For example: there is no ‘safe sex’, there is only safeR sex.
Having sex is always associated with risk, but that is getting out of bed also. Real estimates of the risks are often lacking. If people don’t have the knowledge that there is a huge difference between oral sex and anal sex, it makes it difficult for people to set a line somewhere for themselves when someone wants and insists more. Once you have already said “yes” to oral sex, you can hardly say “no” to anal sex? Unless you know about the risk figures and understand that unprotected anal sex is thousands of times more risky than oral-with-cum-out-of-the-mouth.
increase sexual possibilities
In my opinion, another aspect of the approach to chemsex is increasing the sexual possibilities through exercise.
Attention to ‘Kegels’ of the pelvic floor, relaxation exercises and breathing techniques to improve sexuality, attention to exchange of “difficult questions” and direct eye contact to promote intimacy, for example, which means that you can start practice on the field of sexuality of what you want to achieve in the field of sexuality.
But then they are your own possibilities!
Often all the wish is already shamed and disapproved in ‘therapy-land’ (with words like: “this is addictive behavior!”) while in itself that wish is legitimate, and also feasible.
The fact that something is classified as unknown or undesirable in certain cultures does not mean that it is not simply “one of the possibilities” in other cultures. And unfortunately the therapy culture is sometimes still a long way from the salutogenic possibilities and ideas in the scene.
The desire for intimacy
Another aspect is precisely the intimacy that people cannot always experience without drugs such as XTC/MDMA.
It is precisely the surrender to more loving feelings that becomes easier with these kinds of drugs.
The desire for intimacy
Another aspect is precisely the intimacy that people cannot always experience without drugs such as XTC/MDMA.
It is precisely the surrender to more loving feelings that becomes easier with these kinds of drugs. For example, people who have a blockage, precisely on the vulnerability associated with intimacy, may find such drugs very attractive to feel this blockage less and the desired intimacy ‘deeper’ to experience. That along the way this means that the fear for the corresponding vulnerability remains, and the desired intimacy is less and less experienced, and more and more attributed to the drugs, that is something that you often do not see as clearly before as you see it afterwards.
I can do that… on a pill…
In actually all previous cases I personally don’t think there would be anything wrong with the need for the experiences or the feelings. On the contrary, I think we could work on the inhibiting thoughts that hold the experience of those things against .
The “usefulness” of the use is in many cases always correct that “the brake is braked” so that “things happen by themselves” (without having to do anything about it < em>say). If we worked more in the treatments on ways of thinking that could allow these feelings more, the chemically inhibit of the neocortex would be less ‘need’ be…
But there are also other reasons for using substances.
For example to “belong to the group”. If we were to take that seriously, perhaps an approach based on self-esteem and improving social skills (one of the factors that repeatedly comes up as ‘useful’) would be more desirable in investigations into the effect of addiction treatments – but which are always ‘screwed back’ to “say no to drugs”). Aspects where -especially when you are just starting to “come out” for the first time- you don’t exactly ‘have’, yet.
There are also sometimes ‘practical’ reasons for use. For example for young gays who need a roof over their heads because they have been expelled from their parental home. How do I connect in a club with people who want to give me shelter for the night? And how do I actually get money? Certainly the ‘cheaper’ forms of prostitution are easier for some people to tolerate when you “are a bit under the influence”. It is easy to judge those youngsters while you cannot help these young people with money or shelter.
In the first part of this trilogy we talked more about he ‘porn’-, the ‘friction’-side and the ‘top’ aspects of chemsex and in the third we’ll talk more about the addictive part of chems...
Hans has been doing the “Chemsex group” of Choices for many years now and
Hans, together with Adalberto, is the founder of KinkyTalks.nl
So, let’s talk (online?) 🙂
Hans
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