BDSM
Question:
on Being a Dom(me)
Hi Hans,
I want a slavegirl who does what I say. How do I find a woman to submit to my every whim? And I want to give her to friends to fuck and shit.
But what if she does not want to what I want, what are my rights as a Dominant?
Answer:
Ooookay… First to be said: I have exactly the same fantasy. So no judgement here about your fantasies. And I do really hope that you’ll get to live your fantasies and I write this answer to help you get there.
But… there is a small thing that often stands between us and our fantasies and often that is a word that starts with an “r” (and ends with “eality”) 😉
Realitycheck
And my answer is independent on being male or female or in between. Please read it so.
Let’s be clear. We are both living in a country with a constitution (you should read it sometimes -not being sarcastic here, it is interesting-). It may be different constitution but still.
It says we are all equal as human beings. So if you’d ever end up before a judge (you ask me about “your rights” and it are the judges that decide in that area) he/she will decide based upon that legislation.
This is important to remember for every “right” you have as a Dom(me). The only right you have is a “right” that she grants you.
Your ‘right’ to whip her, ‘abuse’ her, the right to do things to her or have things done to her, are all a gift from her as a slave to you as her Master.
That does not really have to show from the outside. That does not have to be discussed every other day (tho I would really advice to talk about your wishes regularly to get a feel for the things that are in her comfort zone, things that are on the edge of her comfort zone and the things that she simply does not want to experience… ever).
If you stay within the realm of her fantasy there will be lots of playing ground and things to explore together. If you are either to boring or on the other hand to extreme, then she has every right to leave you, to kindly say “fuck you” to any question you have and to find someone with fantasies closer to her own. And because slaves know this to be the truth, I advise you to search in terms accordingly. It will make talking about your fantasies way more easy (and way more fruitful).
the Gateau-model of West
the Taart model van West* (NL)In any BDSM-relationship there’s a BDSM-layer that is on top of the equal relationship. That relationship that can be a relationship that last just for one night, or for months or years. It can be something that is discussed or it can be something that is implied (tho we humans are really not that good in implying, nor reading the implied possibilities, very well -a lot of couples talk to me because of misunderstandings in this area-). It can be rather thin or it can be multi-layered but that relationship is equal.
And it is only after you have a defined cake that you can start adding the topping (pun intended)
So if a woman decides that she wants to be unequal to me, she wants to be whipped, or ‘abused’, or spat on, if she wants to have done all kinds of ‘terrible things’ to her… and if she wants that from me because she knows i could enjoy those things… That is a GIFT from her to me. Even tho it may be quite invisible from outside.
About “rights”: she is not ‘my slave’… she allows me to treat her as my slave (because she enjoys that herself -or at least parts of it ;-)- and because she likes to show me that she gives me this gift). And when i ‘reduce’ her rights and she enjoys that position -or if she enjoys the reactions in me on her taking that position- then I will add both to her fulfillment, I will add to her quality of life, just as she adds to mine.
If you want to own a woman as a ‘slave’ you should let her want to come to you, not because she has to.
That is wat roleplay is 🙂
a comparison
If respect for both the initiative or the gift is not there, then there is nothing given and nothing gained…
I think domination is a bit like assplay… if i would force my member in her tiny hole without the aid of any lubrication, that might perhaps feel very nice and raw… but she will never ever let me come near to her ass again…
If I eat her pussy and enjoy her orgasms, and if I play with a lubed finger ever so slowly to open her up, If I get her to open herself for me and if start slowly if I enter her ass… then the pain will not be in the way of her feeling really filled up and she will enjoy my reactions on the fact she opens her body for me, in ways that that perhaps not thought of it as being decent… but it will be a good experience for her and she will want to give that again and again…
Even tho our society might not really understand her and certain blonde presidents would like to revoke equal rights.
You do not own the bird inside a cage, you just own the cage.
On playing with others
About your fantasy to give her away to others, or to lend her, or to rent her out in whatever shape or form… that is a well known fantasy shared by many. Both male and female and it could be very well that she’s into it.
But -as said- the difference between the fantasy (“you can do whatever the fuck you want to do to her”) and reality (“you can do whatever the fuck you want to do that she likes!“) is… Communication!..
Communication both with the girl that is the ‘would be prostitute’ as well as her ‘clients’. You got to have a feel for what her limits are, what her fantasies are and at least start close to the latter. And you have to talk to the ‘perpetrators’ and ‘hunters’ to be able to really really trust them.
Safesex is just the start! For it is not easy for a human to be trustworthy when your trousers are on your ankles. So choose your ‘bad guys’ to be quite able to restrain themselves and instruct them wel.
And yes it feels rather vulnerable to talk about your fantasies. That is why we often like to skip that step and just run after our fantasies and hope they come true.
You only can give away what you is yours to give…
It is a bit of a disappointment perhaps because these relations are more complicated than you had hoped? Disappointing that you will need to have the courage to communicate about your wants and likes and will need to negotiate (within yourself and with others)?
There is a reason for the fact that “those dirty BDSM-people’ tend to be a bit more ‘normal’ and clearly a bit better in communicating than the average person.
If you want me to help you with a good way to present yourself on ‘the market’, find your strengths in your Dominance and the strengthen the person behind the Dom-role, let me know. I will be able to help you there.
And for me personally?..
I think there’s more respect and gratitude for the gifts i am getting in my life if i am able to wait for what comes to me… it’s Tao. 🙂
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