The power of the submissive, the need of the Dom(me)



Hans, how come that i can feel so strong after I have been submitting myself to my Dom? I don’t understand the dynamic between me, a victim of his Lust. So why do I feel strong instead of weak? What is my strength as a victim?
‘Victims’ actually have a lot of power. Just watch the TV. Nowadays the ‘victim’ actually has a lot of power in the media. A lot of discussions on fetlife are about people who got victimised in a BDSM-relationship. And that raises shit-storms, sometimes without knowing what really happened. It happens, for shure (and don’t let that happen to you). And Dom(me)s get abused too, or depleted of energy. And often the one presenting like a victim gets the most attention… Often correct… sometimes it’s just the power of a victim.

Our vanilla surroundings

Outside the kinksterworld, in de vanilla media we see a lot of attention turning toward victims too. Even in politics we see politicians posing as heros to save the poor voter for all kind of nonsense like the War-on-drugs that we will win next voting (even tho 50 years of war-on-drugs has cost millions, left thousands in jail and led to drugs being cheaper and better in quality than ever before). But it pays to have a victim in our talkshows (specially with the vitimism in our current mediacracy).
The existence of victims gives our society its share of the feelings we crave. That’s why we give ’em so much power and at the same time we take their power away. Because if we start to blame and start to ‘save’ the victim we fasten the victim in his/her position.
If a victim takes responsibility (s)he is capable of growth beyond expectation. The acceptation that you can’t hold power helps the victim to accept and release past experiences. And keeping someone in the victim role “come here, let me help you” confirms people in their victimhood. I am not saying we shouldn’t help people who were victimised, not saying we should deny the violence that has befallen them. I say we should not fixate them as victims and help them to be responsible, accountable and reclaim the fields of their lives that were taken by the abuse, reclaim their sexuality, reclaim their lives, reclaim their love.

And also, in our main vanilla media there is a problem with the play with power in sexuality. In our society we do not love the submissive, nor the dominant. Altho all the showgirls dress in skimpy black with chokers on… We in our culture are kinda afraid of the power of sexuality (maybe the reason why both communism and Catholicism both tried to contain it so hard?) This maybe is one of the reasons why BDSM is frowned upon so much. For many it is scary to observe the interplay between the dom(me) and her/his (willing) victim. People are lusting for it but afraid to live it themselves. But what if you do create what you lust for?..

BDSM is a paradoxical in itself

But actually this is quite a different thing from what I think you talk about. As a slave you are creating the conditions where your partner kan be a Master! And by being beautiful you create a canvas to be defiled. By being proud you give your partner a gift when you are submitting. If you are nothing it is easy to treat you as nothing. but if your eyes are shining…

There is this dance between the two poles of this dynamic. There is a dom(me) who really does need a sub to do his/her part of their dance to be able to be a Dom(me)… If there is no sub, then there is no Dom(me)!
Just as the sub is in need of a dom(me) to accomplish its tasks and reach fulfilment/orgasms/etc.
There is no domination without submission and the other way around.

BDSM is a really interesting dynamic, filled to the brim with contradictions and paradox.

It is interesting how the Dom(me) needs so submit to his/hers own darker urges to have the power to take the initiative for two. if you don’t open yourself to the idea of loosing control it is hard to take control over another in a way that is fulfilling enough for the submissive partner that he/she wants to come back and submit again and again. But at the same time you have to remain in control because in the end you are the one carrying the weight of the responsibility of the initiative.

Transcend the paradox and dance

Dom(me)s are slaving away, literally working themselves in a sweat with ropes and whips and clamps and candles and vibrators while at the same time the slaves are lying on their back in a sling having orgasm after orgasm.
Now who’s the Dominant?

Sometimes you can hear subbies boasting amongst each, other about the gift of their submissiveness, their eagerness to serve. But have a look what they feel when they do come home to their inner slave. Finally your Master lets you be what you have been fantasising about for a long time. Finally you have the guts to really go where you have been wanting to go for a long time.

That deserves a lot of pride… That deserves a lot of attention. And you see it in the posture of well treated slaves. They stand upright until they can not anymore. I often call that “slave-pride”… The one beaten and humiliated has shown a lot of strength to be able to let go.

Go to most public play-parties and you’ll notice many a submissive (M/F) having several climaxes in a row while their Dom(me) has never even exposed their genitals to the eye of the other visitors. Refraining from …discharge to be able to have the submissive have his/her ‘fun’… so he/she will have the urge to return to their Dom(me) in the future? Slaves are a precious commodity 😉

BDSM has layers and is paradoxical in itself. Submission is a gift to the Dom(me) from the heart and the pelvis. Domination is a gift to the sub as well (where head, heart and pelvis are involved).

We feast on each other and that gives pride and energy!
Let’s remind the interdependent dance of this dynamic.. and dance!


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Published by KinkindeRelatie

A Kink Aware and openminded (relationship) coach. That does not mean you have to talk about kink, but at least here you don't have to be silent about it.

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