How Do I Find a Dominant Partner (in a Good Way)?



“Hans, I am a hetero guy, aware of my submissive BDSM-feelings. What would be the best way to find a nice play-partner who has dominant feelings? I do encounter people online -and before corona, I went to a club once-, but I never took the step to ask a Domme/Mistress if she would like it to get to know each other a little better.”

Dating in the BDSM-scene

Dear Reader,
When you start out as a ‘BDSM-er’, you obviously have the complete fantasy of your role when you step into this scene. We all step into this trap: as a right-minded slave/sub – Dom/Master person, shouldn’t I be more ‘subbish’/’Domly’ when I approach a possible partner?

Especially when I am a slave: “can I just go to a Dom(me) and tell this ‘D’ that I am attracted??”

Well, if you’re a really good slave: of course you don’t!😉

Spoken in a really DomlyDom deep voice…

Please remember that this is utterly B.S.!
If you’re only your sub-role, and you should wait nicely to see if the lady feels like giving you any attention (unless you happen to be a really bratty sub) and you ‘should’ wait for the dominant to pick you… Let me tell you: by doing so, there is a large chance that you’ll be waiting for a very very long time.

Because, unless you have a truly godlike body, the D-type might not approach you at all, they might not notice how you yearning for their attention. How should they know what kind of a wonderful sub you actually could be (Oh, and by the way, if you do have this godlike body, they might still not approach you because they might be a little intimidated about your appearance. Doms are people too.)

Don’t take two steps at the same time

So, the best way to find a nice partner in the BDSM-scene….is not that much different from the rest of the dating world: show that you’re an attractive partner! Talk about your interests and be helpful, ask for their interests in life (not just their wishes in the sexual realm). Pose questions about things you’re not sure about (yet) as a starter with a smile on your face. You are not dumb, you are a newbie! Ask about the way people got into the scene themselves. People -and definitely Dom(me)s also, like to talk about themselves. So ask interesting questions. Be active in discussions and the social life surrounding your contact. Show that you are not needy and that you know how to enjoy your life… and that a partner could possibly mean that you would enjoy your life even more.

So, at first, you need a level of establishing equal contact before both of you each decide for yourselves if you want to play the roles that you both fantasise about.


When you are in clubs, ask questions to the people you like to get to know. And there are always things to do, ask them if you can help out to improve their evening (whether they are subs, doms, males, females, employees or guests). Because: the more people you know, the more people who can introduce you to someone who is looking for someone like you.
And of course, it is always a little scary to make contact with people, because you never know upfront how someone will react to your offer or question. That’s why we call it “contact” and not a role(playing game)… Contact is always a bit unsure. Contact takes place on an equal level… and may lead to all kind of roleplay. But that’s for later 😉.

A bit of Preparation

And -if someone suddenly asks you really Domly “what’s your story?”- then it’s useful to have done a little preparation beforehand.
Have your needs and wants (and nice-to-haves) clear in your mind. So you can answer what you (now as a starter) think you might want.
As I often say, have three answers prepared:

The one sentence is your place in the BDSM-array that you aspire to. Pick and choose from Rope bunny, Fetishist, Discipline, Submissive maybe even Degradee and Masochist) with a few extra words whether you are experienced or not.
The short story is the one-sentence and why that would be of interest to the listener (the D-that poses the question). And the whole story will come out piece by piece during something that is called a conversation amongst equal persons.
  • The one-sentence which says it all,
  • the short story with the main exciting fantasies, and
  • the whole story with all its juicy (and gory) details

This way, you at least have something to say when someone asks you about what excites you. You often see that beginners only have “the whole story” ready when someone asks them a short question. And that can turn a little ‘awkward’ real fast when someone suddenly has to listen to an entire monologue just because they happened to ask you “what are you into?”

Even if your contact, from that moment, will be a contact where you are a 24/7 submissive… until that moment, you’re equal as just two people with an equal minded hobby/interest/kink/lifestyle.


There is an equal conversation that might lead up to a point where you both decide you both want to continue your contact waaaay less equal from thereon. 😉
But only take that bridge when you’ve gotten there…

Would you like to discuss this (online) with a neutral person who doesn’t think fetishes are strange? And get some more pointers?
You know where to find me! (spoiler alert: the contact-page)

So, also as a good sub…happy hunting! 😉



If you’d like to contact about this, go to the Contact-page*
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Published by KinkindeRelatie

A Kink Aware and openminded (relationship) coach. That does not mean you have to talk about kink, but at least here you don't have to be silent about it.

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